The Duke Tastes The Blood On Satan's Claw

You know how it goes, man. There a fella is, wandering around the fields bothering neither man nor beast, only his ridiculous 17th Century hair-style threatening any particular offense to any motherfucker. What I'll do, he supposes, is I'll do some ploughing, since what the fuck else is he gonna do with this damn plough thing?

Nowadays the kids would probably just sell it on eBay for the price of a new Limping Biscuits CD, the work-shy bastards.

Back in the 17th century, though, things were different. A man went out for to toil and to plough and so on. He had curly locks. He had muscles. Where are your muscles, you skateboarding motherfuckers? Where are your curly locks?

Next thing he knows, though, he's only gone and uncovered the bones of some monster or other, lying there amidst the upturned dirt and cow-shite.

So begins a tale of intrigue and possession and young ladies with unfeasibly commanding eyes getting very naked and trying for to get the village priest to do some sexing.

The Blood On Satan's Claw is a fucking wonderful slab of eerie rural devil-worshipping and nude-dancing from the demented sons a bitches at Tigon Productions. For sure, Tigon rarely produced stuff of this magnitude, but Blood On Satan's Claw is easily the equal of much of anything produced by their contemporaries, Hammer and Amicus. It's pitched somewhere between Tigon's later Matthew Hopkins - Witchfinder General (The Conqueror Worm in the US) and Robin Hardy's 1973 The Wicker Man, although, let's not get mentalized, it's not as good as either, since both those numbers are not only among the best British horror films of all ever, but the very best from any damn place.

Unlike Witchfinder General, though, the witches in Blood… are a real, dangerous, demonic threat, as opposed to the poor victims Vincent Price raped and butchered for crimes invented in his own deranged skull-blobs. In the world of Blood… Satan is real, just like The Louvin Brothers said once upon a time, although I don't know that they had so many muscles or curly locks. Certainly they drank more whiskey, that's for damn sure.

What The Louvin Brothers failed to point out, however, was that not only is Satan real, but he's a big furry motherfucker instructing school-children for to do his diabolical bidding. Most of this bidding involves growing hairy lumps on your legs or arms, but then there's also the matter of the rape and murder of one's peers, and the getting naked for to coerce men of the cloth into a spot of the old sexing filths.

Article Author: Duke De Mondo

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