I gotta tell you, I'm coming over all John Lennon right now. "How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had?" and "How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm turning?" and "How in the sweet balls of fuck could anyone screw up such a cast-iron gift to the filmmaker as Aliens Versus Motherfucking Predator?"
How, man? Just how the fuck does this happen?
This is something so primal, so elemental, so turbulent, that no one, not even if that no-one is the man responsible for The Resident Evils and Events On The Horizon and Soldier, no-one should be able to mess it up.
It's a Freudian fantasy; motherfuckers with penises for heads go up against motherfuckers with vaginas for faces. Who the hell could fail to make this captivating?
Well, allow The Duke to shake his head and mourn the fact that this fails like a fella tryin to ease the shits on willpower alone.
When I came out of The Resident Evils back in the day, I felt like someone had brought me almost to climax and then walked off laughing as I stood slack-jawed and awash with shock, screaming about "Finish it! For the love of God finish it!"
It had built up right from when I sat down and played that first video game, back in, I believe, 1986 or something. The Resident Evil was the coolest shit I had ever seen, and I knew that if anyone were to make a film from this material, it would be the most amazing thing ever offered to civilisation. Fuck penicillin, was the gist of my thinking, if they delivered a film what did this justice, then the whole damn race may as well jump from the rooftops, lying, caked in filth and guts on the pavement, happy in the knowledge that, well, at least we achieved it all.
When the first teaser trailers arrived, I wept with joy.
And what happened? This son of a bitch Paul W.S Anderson went ahead and crafted a load of Nu-Metal puss around an infallible concept, completely ignoring the cool mutated spiders and sharks and all that jazz, and instead slinging a load of crap zombies and some nonsense about some uppity computer system into the narrative.
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Article comments
1 - Jim Carruthers
What I want to know is why does this POS (neither of us has seen it, and both of us hate it) get made, yet "Duke Nukem: The Movie, Dumbass" still stays in limbo.
Just not right I tell ya.
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Who would play Nukem, tho, now that Arnie's gone and got all political. If they tried to cast that Van Petrol fella i imagine i would protest for at least several weeks.
3 - Tom
Uh, dude. I'm not sure if you were just trying to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was Arnold Schwarzeneggar who said, "You're one ugly motherfucker..." Other than that, I mostly agree with your synopsis.
4 - Tom
One question: Did anybody notice whether the alien that burst out of the Predator at the end a queen? I think it must have been; otherwise, they'd have a difficult time pulling off a sequel without a queen to breed the ugly, Elvis-lip-twitching gray carpet munchers...
5 - Tom Johnson
I don't know that it was a queen or not, but I would guess that's not going to stop PWS Anderson from going ahead and having that predator-alien hybrid lay eggs all over the place. Besides, with the Alien director's cut, with that scene where the Alien has preserved a couple of the crew for implantation, PWSA can claim that Aliens are like those frogs or worms or whatever that can switch sex or impregnate themselves in situations where no others are present to do the deed with.
6 - Bullet.p
Fuck Duke Nukem Aliens & Predator Rule! even if that anderson bastard did fuck up the movie they're stil the B.O.M.B! There are only two fucking brilliant scenes in the movie (the bit when the predator and the alien actually do scuff it out, & the alien queen bit at the end) and it was so fucking short and a bit cheesy and half the human characters couldn't act and were so annoying i hope paul anderson doesn't make the sequel thats if there is going to be one, for that matter i hope he never touches Aliens, Predators, Resident Evil, ever again! and i didn't mean that duke comment in the beginning i take that back
7 - joe
I actually enjoyed the movie. The only gripe I have is that there should of been more "action" between the alien and predators.