I gotta tell you, I'm coming over all John Lennon right now. "How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had?" and "How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm turning?" and "How in the sweet balls of fuck could anyone screw up such a cast-iron gift to the filmmaker as Aliens Versus Motherfucking Predator?"
How, man? Just how the fuck does this happen?
This is something so primal, so elemental, so turbulent, that no one, not even if that no-one is the man responsible for The Resident Evils and Events On The Horizon and Soldier, no-one should be able to mess it up.
It's a Freudian fantasy; motherfuckers with penises for heads go up against motherfuckers with vaginas for faces. Who the hell could fail to make this captivating?
Well, allow The Duke to shake his head and mourn the fact that this fails like a fella tryin to ease the shits on willpower alone.
When I came out of The Resident Evils back in the day, I felt like someone had brought me almost to climax and then walked off laughing as I stood slack-jawed and awash with shock, screaming about "Finish it! For the love of God finish it!"
It had built up right from when I sat down and played that first video game, back in, I believe, 1986 or something. The Resident Evil was the coolest shit I had ever seen, and I knew that if anyone were to make a film from this material, it would be the most amazing thing ever offered to civilisation. Fuck penicillin, was the gist of my thinking, if they delivered a film what did this justice, then the whole damn race may as well jump from the rooftops, lying, caked in filth and guts on the pavement, happy in the knowledge that, well, at least we achieved it all.
When the first teaser trailers arrived, I wept with joy.
And what happened? This son of a bitch Paul W.S Anderson went ahead and crafted a load of Nu-Metal puss around an infallible concept, completely ignoring the cool mutated spiders and sharks and all that jazz, and instead slinging a load of crap zombies and some nonsense about some uppity computer system into the narrative.