It's all about the dimples and the eyes, is what The Duke would suggest. Pasolini had a face like a walrus's arse. Goddard liked to think he was hip, but truth be told, he just looked like a smug motherfucker. Eisenstein was handsome, for sure, but I'm guessing he just arranged all those sailors in such a way that their burly machismo reflected onto him.
"Stand a little further to the left, various communists, especially you, with the top off and the muscles. You stand right over there, parallel to me, is what. You fuckers with no teeth can hide behind that boat."
Probably when he went out, though, he took all the no-teeth folks with him. The sailors were told to stay in the damn bunks, is what, like when you go to a nightclub or maybe the discothèque or a barn-dance, and you take the most pathetic looking people you can find, so as you look all the better. Imagine wandering into that damn club with three topless sailors either side. A motherfucking walking illusion is what you'd be.
So anyway, whilst The Duke is far from a body-fascist or any a that shit, I have consulted various diagrams, pie-charts, astrological measurements, and have discovered that it is, indeed, the dimples and the eyes that ensure The Motherfucking Cinema Of Kirsten Dunst is preferable to even the most inventive of Italian fare.
Not that there aren't parallels with these masters of yore. Both Eisenstein and Kirsten, for example, have a Strike! in the filmography, although Kirsten's concerns an all-girl boarding school that's about to be integrated with nasty boy-types who probably don't even know a thing about cannibal cinema or say motherfuck, whilst Sergei's 1925 epic has all to do with the factory's and the rebellion and a fella hanging himself and then next thing anyone knows baby's are getting flung off of balcony's and cows are being slaughtered in close-up.
There's no slaughtered cows in Kirsten's version, nor indeed any baby's being flung from balcony's. This, however, is the fault of writer / director Sarah Kernochan, and Kirsten couldn't have helped even if she wanted to, I'd imagine.
Although how anyone could see fit to refuse Her requests is beyond even the interstellar intelligent of yours truly, i.e., The Duke.
Bounding into the barren atmosphere of Earth back in April 1982 (beating The Duke by a month) Kirsten started out acting as a child in various flicks, being just a child Herself, and therefore suited perfectly to the roles in question. Most famous, probably, are the likes of Interview With Tyler Durden, wherein Kirsten plays a pre-teen vampire, running rings round Tommy Boy Cruise and Brad Anniston, and Jumanji, about Kirsten and some other kid of some kind find a board game and then next thing anyone knows Robin Williams shows up followed by a buncha hilariously cack CGI monkeys.
Article comments
1 - Jim Carruthers
I can't believe you didn't use the cheap gag (y'know the part what gets put into pull-quotes on the motherfucking movie posters) that in "Wag The Dog" -- "She's all that, and a bag of Doritos!"
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
ah, but Jim. there's no place for cheap gags in the discussion of such a beautiful cinematic movement.
3 - Matt Egan
Aaron, you are the only blogger on this site that could devote that much real estate to Kirsten Dunst. Kudos!
4 - Eric Berlin
Duke -
I respect very much the fact that you've taken on the life and career of Kirsten Dunst in one go.
I'm wild about Eternal Sunshine, and Dunst's scenes jumping on the bed of a zonked out memory-patient whilst drunk and stoned (and in panties) certainly didn't hurt.
Eric Berlin
Dumpster Bust: Miracles from Mind Trash
http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com
5 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
thanks fellas. although i know too well that a meagre web-article is nowhere near even an inkling of a thought of enough for to do justice to Kirsten. Sorry Kirsten.
Eric, that right there is a highly valid filmic observation, one which i noticed also. I see your bed-jumping, Eric, and i raise you some similar bed-related antics in Crazy/Beautiful.
How divine are these moments...
6 - Jim Carruthers
Well, if this is luscious actress Texas Hold'em, I'll see your Kirsten Dunst, and raise you a Scarlet Johansen in "Lost In Translation".
So, what do we get on the flop? Because I suspect there might be a Lindsay Lohan, or a Natalie Portman, but there might be a Joker like Tara Reid or even Courtney Love.
So, what's your move?
7 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
oh, come now. i see your scarlet in Lost In Translation and raise you a Kirsten in Spider-Man. For sure, Scarlet was wonderful, and very touching, but look at that giddy love-struck awe that hangs around Kirsten when She's telling Peter Parker that She's startin' to get gooey for Arachnid-Boy. And then the crushing devestation on Her face when he walks off at the end, the heartless bastard.
8 - Tom
Nothing against the lovely Ms. Dunst, but count this as a vote for Natalie Portman, who reaches such lofty heights of beauty that man doesn't even have names for the numbers that high.
9 - Jim Carruthers
I'll go with Tom with Natalie Portman on the flop, both from her performance in "Garden State", and to be a real card sharp bastard, her turn as a stripper in "Closer".
So, your two table cards are Dunst and Portman, what's your next move gents?
10 - Chris
Wow, a Miike reference! I love it!
PS, I think I was the one fan of Crow Salvation.
11 - Jim Carruthers
So, the next two cards on the turn are:
Christina of Ricci
and
Susan of Sarandon
You've got to come up with a winning poker hand, bet or hold for the final card.
So, do you feel lucky, punk? Do you?
12 - Eric Olsen
brilliant Duker, I too am amazed by KD's bewildering range of film styles, tones, characters, and she has become more attractive as she has gone from teen to young adult.
13 - Bill Lamb
Great work Duke...'Bring It On' is the ultimate sleeper Dunst for me...almost makes the cheerleader move genre seem worthy.
14 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
i see your christina of ricci, being a child star in gothic fare and then a teen star in bizarre fare, and for sure, she's great is what she is, but interview with the vampire out-gothics addams family (although TECHNICALLY addams family was better, but there's no room for technicality's here)and virgin suicides and eternal sunshine out-bizarre bufallo 66 or Pecker.
Extra points to ricci for being in a john waters flick, but points deduced since Kirsten's probably just waiting for the sequel of Pink Flamingoes.
And Kirsten sings beautifully, unlike NATALIE PORTMAN, whom you'll remember almost derailed Woody Allen's Everyone Says I Love You with her tuneless warble.
Of course Everyone Says I Love You was a better Woody flick than his New York Stories segment (starring Kirsten), but for Her efforts Kirsten got to be credited in a flick directed not only by woody but also Francis Ford Coppola and Martin Scorsese. For shame, Natalie Portman.
15 - Jim Carruthers
Here we come to the river, and the dealer gives us Charlize Theron.
What do you think Chuck?
Chuck: golly, people got their expectations high, holding and raising, thinking they were going to get a royal flush in the "Father Ted Beautiful Girls Memorial Poker Tournament", but it turns out is both Theron and Ricci from "Monster", so those who were using those in their hands are devastated.
Obviously the winner of this hand will be one with an unexpected card.
16 - Eric Olsen
I don't know what all this 3-Card Monte mumbo jumbo is about, I thought we were talking about hot chicks in cool flicks.
17 - Eric Berlin
Eric ~
I'm afraid I kicked off with my somewhat untoward reference to Ms. Dunst's zonked out bed romping in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
My apologies...
Eric Berlin
Dumpster Bust: Miracles from Mind Trash
http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com
18 - Eric Olsen
Eric, oh, I see the Duke his own bad self began the card-playing antics when he "raised you" - the bed-romping mention was quite "toward" for the conversation
19 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
i dont know what the hell it is. i know im winning though, which is reason enough to maintain it. Curiously, there were no outbreaks of virtual poker hustlin card-sharkery follwing my similar overview of woody allen...
BUT
I was gonna mention Monster, but i held back. and now its too late. BUT I RAISE YOU MOTHERFUCKER (i think that might be a quote from wheatley, possibly Devil Rides Out) on account of the following;
Mona Lisa Smile - Kirsten stars alongside Julia Stiles, Julia Roberts and Maggie Gyllehall(who loses points on account of being the sibling of that Darko fucker who went ahead and put some hex of some sort on Kirsten) in a flick directed by MIKE NEWELL, who previously gave us Donnie Brasko starring Johnny Depp who is very handsome indeed, if slightly penalised (no pun intended) for being male, and also Pushing Tin with the similarly, um, pleasant John Cusack and Angelina Jolie, who i belive gets naked in the film in question, should that be your thing.
Therefore, my Kirsten wins again.
this is very complicated. i can't help feeling SNAP would have been less draining.
20 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
so what do i win?