We all know how fantastic Freddy Vs Jason was, and we all know how unspeakably cack Aliens Vs Predator was, but let's be honest here. If it boils down to it, which it inevitably will sooner or later, what we really wanna be seeing is this sorta shit right here;
The Duke Presents;
FACE-OFF'S I WANNA BE SEEING, MOTHERFUCKERS
Old Boy Versus Begbie
Dae-Su Oh has been locked up for fifteen years, with no idea why, or who might even be behind it all. One thing's for sure, it wasn't Begbie, since he was all the way over in Scotland kickin fuck outtae schemers and the like.
Still, Begbie's gonna pretend it was him anyway, since ain't no way in hell little matters like The Truth or Geography are gonna keep him from getting all Dali with a claw-hammer.
"Right, ye cunt, hear yir lookin fir the cunt locked ye up? Here ah am, then, eh? Fuckin gies us it, then, eh?"
Hilarity ensues.
Ichi The Killer Versus Violent Cop
Beat Takeshi's had a rough day, man, no doubt about it. He's been round the whole motherfucking block up and down, and slapped a couple teenagers for giving him shit, but he's no closer to finding out who's been running around ripping the guts out of Yakuza all the live-long day.
Then, just as he's about to slap this quivering masturbation-obsessed teenager, the whining little shit jumps the hell into the air and starts kicking the sweet home Alabama's outta Beat with boots that have blades on the end.
You shouldn't a touched those Bright Eyes albums, Beat Takeshi. Now what's gonna happen is Ichi The Killer is gonna kill you upside the teeth, you fucking rogue copper.
Hilarity ensues.
Tetsuo Versus Brundlefly
A science demonstration in downtown Tokyo leads to unbridled orgasmic destruction when Jeff Goldblum decides to let the world in on his new invention, a pod thing that makes him go from here to way over there without even walking. And naked, too.
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Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Aaman
Brilliant stuff, Duke - I especially like Ju-On VS Ringu
2 - Jim Carruthers
Oh, you filthy little bastard! You made me shoot painful carbonated bevvies out my nose with "The Creature from the Blue Lagoon".
3 - Mark Saleski
what's weird is that up until this morning (when i finally listened to the duke's phone call thingy) my mind heard the duke's voice as a southern (united states, that is) kinda thing.
now it's all changed.
and even funnier.
the duke needs a radio show.
4 - Aaman
The BC Podcast cries out to be commenced:)
5 - Jim Carruthers
"Sid and Nancy and Jay and Silent Bob's Empire Strikes Back"
Well, at least the merchandising is taken care of.
Hilarity ensues
"Breakfast Fight Club"
John Hughes regrets producing a movie directed by David Fincher from a screen-play by Abel Ferrera. Starring Harvey Keitel, Lili Taylor, Christopher Walken and Ally Sheedy .
Hilarity ensues.
6 - Aaman
More! More!
7 - Jim Carruthers
David Cronenburg's "Teletubbies vs. Andrea True: The Movie"
The critics rave: "More! More!" - Aaman
Hilarity ensues.
8 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
hey guys. Mark, you don't wanna go making silly sugestions like that, i'd wager. it's all fun and games till the duke starts thinking "hmmm, maybe what i'll do is some more of those things"...
jim - The Breakfast Fight Club!!!! BRILLIANT!! Im gutted i didn't think of that!!! Although, i did start working on a sequel to this post as soon as i put it up, so many great ideas are there.
personally, i was proudest of 8 1/2 mile.
and mark, again, seriously, i have been toying a lot with the notion of a radio thingy every fortnight or so, say twenty minutes of music and swearing. who knows...
The Breakfast Fight Club. hahahah
One i had intended for the follow-up
La Bambi
A young deer is so upset by the death of his mother he heads off to the city for to make it big in the latin pop scene.
Hilarity ensues.
9 - Jim Carruthers
"From Dusk to Dawn to Sunset Boulevard"
Juliette Lewis tries to use her contacts with George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino to maintain her career, and assassinates any motherfucker who gets in her way, Honey Bunny.
Hilarity ensues.
10 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"before sunset boulevard"
Ethan Hawke is making his way across hollywood by train when he bumps into a silent movie star who's been on the skids since things went all "talkie". They chat about god and Griffith.
Hilarity ensues.
11 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"The Hills Have Eyes Without A Face"
A french doctor attempts to reconstruct the face of his disfigured daughter using the flesh of murderous hillbillies.
Hilarity ensues.
12 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"Public Enemy Of The State"
Will Smith tells Jazzy Jeff to go fuck himself and hooks up with Chuck D for to make a hip-hop concept record about Fuck Tha Man.
Hilarity Ensues.
13 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"The Paris, Texas Chain Saw Massacre"
Harry Dean Stanton tries to recover his memory, discovering that he once killed a buncha teenagers in his folks house.
Hilarity ensues.
14 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"Night Of The Living Dead Man"
A buncha folks are trapped in a farmhouse by reams of cowboy poets wanting to yack about love. In black and white.
Hilarity ensues.
15 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"Suicide Circle Of Friends"
Minnie Driver and friends decide to throw themselves off of buildings in downtown tokyo.
Hilarity ensues.
16 - Jim Carruthers
"Apocalyse Now That's What I Call Entertainment!"
Dead celebrities tour Vietnam, all singing, all dancing, they just hope they don't bomb. With your hosts, Bob Hope and Robert MacNamara.
17 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
hahahahahhah
18 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
that was fucking inspired, man.
19 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"Vanilla Ice Sky"
Vanilla Ice stars as a hip-hop type who is brutally disfigured after being flung out a window by Suge Knight, allegedly.
Hilarity ensues
20 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"Some Kind Of Little Monsters"
Fred Savage discovers a buncha rock stars living under his bed.
Hilarity Ensues
21 - Jim Carruthers
"Life Is Sweet Charity"
Mike Leigh's musical about the working class and prostitution, with every tune beginning on the downbeat.
And the misery is really miserable. However ...
Hilarity Ensues!!!
22 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"Taxi Driving Mrs Daisy"
Robert De Niro tries to save Jessica Tandy from her pimp.
Hilarity Ensues.
23 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"American Pi"
Jason Biggs tries to uncover the mathematical secret behind the stock exchange in between fucking pastry.
Hilarity ensues.
24 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"A Town Called Dirty Ol' Bastard"
A buncha Wu Tang Clan members wander into town and lay down the lay, in the wild wild westside.
Hilarity Ensues.
25 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
"My Bez Friend's Wedding"
Julia Roberts attends Shaun Ryders wedding, getting cracked to the teeth with bez.
hilarity ensues.