Folks who work in the automobile industry will tell you that a spoiler is a thing what sits on the back of a car and makes it look all space-age and shit. These people probably get lured into reading a thousand reviews of films what tell you all about how so and so dies and such and such is actually his wife or her sister, and then you discover that sweet holy Mary, it was nothing but a motherfucking sled.
The reason for this is because Spoilers, in the complex world of filmic affairs, refer not to things on the end of a car, but rather to bits of plot and so on what a fella might not want to know about, so maybe you should hold off reading the review until you see it, and then I can tell you not to see it but you've already gone and done it, for crying out loud.
So then, if one has yet to view the film, one might wish to be cautious when reading the following incisive critique of M Night Shyamalan's The Village, on account of The Duke has already seen it, and therefore knows stuff what you don't. Like the filthy communist he is, he might just go ahead and spill those beans, like what Jack did once upon a time and then got a beanstalk in the back garden, but his mum was still pissed off on account of the cow was worth, like, a thousand dollars or something. More than a tin of beans, anyroad.
Shyamalan's previous film, Signs, was concerned with the fear of the outsider, amongst other concerns. It demanded vigilance, alertness, since you never know when a slimy shit from someplace else is gonna turn up in your larder. Curious thoughts for a man of immigrant stock to be thinking.
A friend once debated this with The Duke, but what with The Duke being drunk and unwilling to agree to even the most agreeable of points, I told him to stop being so damn stupid.
Upon awakening, I discovered that yes, that fella was right after all. Also, someone had stolen my hat.
That was a nice hat, is what, and it pains me to the guts that some scummy motherfucker saw fit to steal it from The Duke's drink-sodden skull.
Like Chubby Checker, though, Shyamalan is known for nothing if not the "twist", and the twist here is that The Village actually mocks such outlandish fears, and also, it could be argued, the audience.
You stupid sons a bitches, it almost says. What a bunch a gullible cretins you really are.
Article comments
1 - Phillip Winn
If only Praying With Anger was available on DVD to mock mercilessly!
Thanks, Duke. Your stuff always makes me laugh -- and turn green with envy. I couldn't really hope to duplicate your style, on account of I'm not into swearing and such, and plus it's your style, not mine. But that doesn't stop me from wishing. Wishing I was a better writer, is what.
Anyway, keep up the fine work.
2 - Jim Carruthers
While Charles M. Shultz made a decades long career out of Lucy yanking the football away from Charlie Brown, I can only think M. Mightbe Shalmalangadingdong is only delusional.
I hated with passion only the really cheated can feel, whatever that dumbass Bruce Willis movie was, no, not that one, the other one.
There's no way this charlatan will ever get his hands on any of my money for his Hollywood three-card monte.
3 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Phil, that kinda compliment slinging means a lot to me, is what, although i think you're selling yourself short. I enjoy your writing immensley.
Jim, harsh words, man. I actually really liked m night's last three flicks. Unbreakable, i think, is a brilliant work. Everyone yacks on about the twist, tho, and i gotta admit it didnt feel like much of a revelation, really. just a natural develoment type deal. Unlike this nonsense right here. Insulted is the word, man.
4 - Jim Carruthers
It has come to my attention that Bruce Willis, while having worked on "projects" classified as "crap", "bullshit", "monkey-poo-flingingly awful" and "paycheques" in IMDB, he was granted clemency for his key role in bringing Pauly Shore and Andrew "Dice" Clay to justice in a carefully coordinated takedown in their West Hollywood "love-pad".
5 - Eric Olsen
woe to the filmmaker who conjures the wrath of the Duke from within the gentle pool of favorable predisposition
6 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
eric, if i ever die (which, granted, is pretty far-fetched), i will ask that your comment be etched on mine tomb stone.
Actually, i'd better ask before i die.
7 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
time check
8 - Jim Carruthers
"time check", is this some sort of Belfast Cowboy version of "Marco Polo"?
Just wondering, or did M. Shite Manfulobogusbastard put some sort wierd hex on your fevered imagination?
Blink once for yes, twice for no.