The Duke On Beyond The Mat
A couple thousand years ago there were these folks what went by the name of The Romans. What these The Romans enjoyed more than anything was throwing a few folks into a circle and watching them rip the guts out of each other, hit them on the head, jump on their spines and so on. A famous example was a character by the name of Russell Crowe, who ended up killing some guy in the arena on account of the motherfucker wouldn't let him finish his poem.
Don't fuck with Russell Crowe, was the point to be made.
Anyhow, here we are a couple millennia later, and still we like nothing more than to see fellas beat the bejesus out of each other. Sometimes we like to see them get thrown through steel cages and so on. Maybe they'll get smacked in the skull with a chair, or a speaker system, or a toaster.
Nowadays, though, this isn't just a spectacle for the kind of folks what think Cannibal Holocaust Is A Damn Masterpiece, but is actually a legitimate prime-time television event, and more than that, a multi-million gazillion dollar industry.
The reason for this turn of events is a gentleman by the name of Vince McMahon who turned the gladiating from being something to do with tigers eating men's livers into a thing by the name of WWF, or World Wrestling Federation. He brought pomp and theatricalities to the table, and then probably knocked somebody through it. But anyway, before the table was the result of a fat man tumbling betwixt its splinters, Vince made sure that there were characters involved in it all that people would pay to see get mutilated, and also cereals with these lad's mugs on the box, that you could eat whilst setting fire to the plastic toy modelled to look like The Undertaker or The Doink or The Human Enema.
To be honest, I've never had much of an interest in the old wrestling. Sure, when The Duke was a youngster, he liked nothing better than to cheer from the sofa as The British Bulldog or Papa Shango kicked a man in the head. That head kicking, that was very enjoyable to a young man of my gender.
Article comments
1 - Ricky Vandal
Let's make one thing clear, Buster, there is only one Duke. OK. I thought this segment was about John Wayne. It isn't. You should be ashamed of yourself.
2 - Stately Wayne Manor
RV, You must've forgot about The Duke Of Earl...
3 - Eric Olsen
And Duke Kahanamoku
4 - Stately Wayne Manor
Kahanamoku was the surfing champ,right?
5 - Eric Olsen
right, haole
6 - HW Saxton Jr.
Haole??? OUCH!
7 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
What about the grand ol duke of york, man, he marched ten thousand motherfuckers up a hill and then marched them straight back down again. Doesn't that count for somethin? Certainly more than John Wayne ever done, apart from, y'know, be all right-wing and call folks "hippy faggots" and so on.
8 - Jim Carruthers
Well, there's also Raoul Duke and Duke Nukem, but je digress.
How could you not mention "Barton Fink", all he had to do was write a wrasslin' movie, but no, wound up with a John Goodman on a rampage and possibly a head in a box.
And of course, there is also "Ready to Rumble" which improbably stars Oliver Platt as a wrestler.
9 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Jim, obviously if The Duke were to do an article with regards the wrestle films, then Baton Finks About Wrestling would be in there. And Man On The Moon, where Jim Carrey starred as Charlie Kaufman or something. Good for you Jim.
Wrestling films don't get no better than No Holds Barred though, according to the decree of wrestelised pictures of 1897. Hulk Hogan didn't have no truck with the "acting" or the "humanity", brother, hell no. Hulk gon' beat up a big bald fella for a couple hours, is what, brother!