Dear Pauly Shore
Here's the news, pal. I don't give two fucks in a bucket that nobody thinks you're funny anymore. Way back in the day, way back when, I think maybe I laughed at a couple films you were in, but to be honest, I probably laughed more at Brendan Frasier or Kid N Play or whoever the hell you were standing next to. Truth be told, I never found you that entertaining, man.
Still, I didn't wish you no harm.
Back when those Punk'd motherfuckers thought it was funny to go up to you and say shit about "Hey Pauly, what happened to your career?", well, to be honest, I just thought that was some smug, intolerable bullshit.
Did you know those fuckers played a trick on Kirsten a little while back? Did you know that? Did you know they thought it was funny to have Her almost weep? They sicken me to the very back of my innermost nuts, Pauly Shore, let me lay that shit out for you right the fuck now.
So to recap - I never thought you were funny, I thought you were annoying, but some folks did, and you made plenty money, so fuck it, everybody's happy.
So anyhow, I just got finished watching this new picture of yours, this film by the name of Pauly Shore Is Dead, and I figured what I'd do is scribble down some thoughts, since it's 4 in the A.M and I don't got no lady-friend right now, so what the fuck else is a man to do? What else can I do to keep myself from screaming with regards the sheer fucking agony swallowing me limb by limb, Pauly Shore? Really, when it all boils down to it, what can keep a man's mind off of this bottomless chasm within his very guts, if not writing a critique of the latest Pauly Shore picture? I can't even for a second think of anything more fitting for this moment.
Tell you the truth, I figure this kinda activity is just a solitary notch up from wanking into some cold soup, in terms of Activities Fit For The Soul-Scarred Loner. I'm guessing The Driller Killer would've saved a whole hell of a lotta money if he'd just had Bio-Dome for to evaluate of an evening. I'm guessing The Nostril Picker would've found said activity so bitterly poignant that he probably would've never even had to do that funky chant and then turn into a schoolgirl and then chase a transvestite around with a dildo.
The Bad Lieutenant would've known true degradation, Pauly Shore, if all he had to do with his evenings was watch the latest Pauly Shore picture. Dancing round the living room naked in a heroin stupor would've been a Godsend to him, had that been the case.