Dear Pauly Shore
Here's the news, pal. I don't give two fucks in a bucket that nobody thinks you're funny anymore. Way back in the day, way back when, I think maybe I laughed at a couple films you were in, but to be honest, I probably laughed more at Brendan Frasier or Kid N Play or whoever the hell you were standing next to. Truth be told, I never found you that entertaining, man.
Still, I didn't wish you no harm.
Back when those Punk'd motherfuckers thought it was funny to go up to you and say shit about "Hey Pauly, what happened to your career?", well, to be honest, I just thought that was some smug, intolerable bullshit.
Did you know those fuckers played a trick on Kirsten a little while back? Did you know that? Did you know they thought it was funny to have Her almost weep? They sicken me to the very back of my innermost nuts, Pauly Shore, let me lay that shit out for you right the fuck now.
So to recap - I never thought you were funny, I thought you were annoying, but some folks did, and you made plenty money, so fuck it, everybody's happy.
So anyhow, I just got finished watching this new picture of yours, this film by the name of Pauly Shore Is Dead, and I figured what I'd do is scribble down some thoughts, since it's 4 in the A.M and I don't got no lady-friend right now, so what the fuck else is a man to do? What else can I do to keep myself from screaming with regards the sheer fucking agony swallowing me limb by limb, Pauly Shore? Really, when it all boils down to it, what can keep a man's mind off of this bottomless chasm within his very guts, if not writing a critique of the latest Pauly Shore picture? I can't even for a second think of anything more fitting for this moment.
Tell you the truth, I figure this kinda activity is just a solitary notch up from wanking into some cold soup, in terms of Activities Fit For The Soul-Scarred Loner. I'm guessing The Driller Killer would've saved a whole hell of a lotta money if he'd just had Bio-Dome for to evaluate of an evening. I'm guessing The Nostril Picker would've found said activity so bitterly poignant that he probably would've never even had to do that funky chant and then turn into a schoolgirl and then chase a transvestite around with a dildo.
The Bad Lieutenant would've known true degradation, Pauly Shore, if all he had to do with his evenings was watch the latest Pauly Shore picture. Dancing round the living room naked in a heroin stupor would've been a Godsend to him, had that been the case.
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Article comments
1 - Al Barger
Wow Duke, looks like this film made a pretty big impression on you. Your review must be about as long as the frickin' screenplay.
Also, as the official spokesman for poor rural white folk, I'm telling you to relax. We can take a joke, and we sure don't need you over in leprachaun land to get offended on our behalf.
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
well Al, speaking on behalf of us poor rural working-class types over in Leprechaun Land, i can state for the record that i wasn't offended in the slightest. I'm all for taking jokes. Just helps when the jokes are funny. Maybe some folks couldn't care less that once folks slip outside of a certain demographic then it's fair game for any obnoxious, smug, upper-class prick to laugh and point at them in public, but i'll be fucked if i'm gonna join in the festivities. it's detestable behaviour. i'm not gonna sit back and chuckle whilst some arsehole looks down his nose at me.
also, Leprechauns are a myth associated with the republic of Ireland. This is a seperate country, with a seperate currency, a seperate government and a seperate economy to Northern Ireland, which is in fact part of Britain. In future, please refer to the place i live in as Terrorist Land, or, failing this, Mexico.
3 - HW Saxton
And even though it was a shitty movie,it
still failed to reap financial reward at
the box office.
4 - Joel Caris
Duke--fucking hilarious review, man. I've got nothing much more than that to say except that I was terribly entertained.
I've never seen a single Pauly Shore movie, so I'm glad that I finally got some amusement out of the bastard, even if it had to come from your reactions to him.
5 - Eric Berlin
Brilliant review and foray into madness as always, Duke. I very rarely laugh out loud whilst staring at words on a computer screen, but referring to Kirsten as Her (as opposed to her) did it. It's the sincerity of your devotion, man, which is already the stuff of legend (in my stuffy head, at any rate).
The amazing thing is that Shore was a hot commodity for a few years... I'm guessing around the 1989-1991 range. The "It" status was anointed upon him due to his VJing duties on MTV, upon which he was known as "The Weasel" (or the Weeeezzzzzzzzzz...... al, bud-DEE).
But as we all know, it fell apart from there, as one bad movie overtook another. The craziest MFing part of it all is that Mr. Shore has used his fleeting celebrity to basically screw his brains out over the course of three finite decades now.
Exhibit A: Shore's "stand up" appearance at my sister's college in the podunk municipality of Frednonia, New York circa 1993. There was some kind of filming going on, so Shore insisted on having the audience "laugh" at his "jokes" over and over again so that everything could look "improvised" for his "special." Then he went back to his trailer with a couple of star-struck local ladies (unfair American colloquialism [except in this case] for locals who live in a college town = townies).
Exhibit B: Shore practically lives in the Playboy Bloody Mansion nowadays, praying upon the off-the-bus supermodels who role into town and take up residence in Hef's Palace of Sin.
Anyway, overall brilliant review, Duke. Balanced, funny Duke-o-vision.
6 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
wow, i didn't know Shore was such a whore. Pauly Whore, it turns out. He plays up that angle in the flick, mind you, but i assumed that to be an artistic extravagance.
Thanks for the votes of cinfidence folks.
And Al, i didn't mean that comment to be snarky, as it looks. Please know i was smiling at the time.
7 - Derrian
dear pauly shore,
i am your #1 fan i love all your movies you are the funniest guy on the planet.i hope your career is doing ok and i beleve that you can make it.
8 - Derrian
I LOVE U PAULLY
9 - Derrian
dear pauly shore,
i am your #1 fan i love all your movies you are the funniest guy on the planet.i hope your career is doing ok and i beleve that you can make it.
10 - Mary K. Williams
Yes, who said that..."foray into madness"? Quite true, but what a foray! Fun shit!
So, anyone seen 'Minding the Store'?
11 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
hey mary! wow, i'd forgotten all about this post. and look at these messages from Shore-ites! good to see you folks still keepin the flame going!
and did anyone listen to that pauly shore podcast advertised up in the top left?? i got it downloaded, but im waiting for the right time...
12 - Shark
Duke, great stuff, and yeah, I happened to arrive at BC during that "ad" for Shore the other day -- which reminded me just how fucking irritating and unfunny he is.
Gawd, he's fun to hate, ain't he?!
And he needs to get down on his knees and thank Yaweh that Daddy left him a comedy club and a few connections to some grade-B Hollowood agents -- otherwise, he'd be waiting tables.
PS: My nomination for the "Second Unfunniest Motherfucker on the Planet":
Adam Sandler.
(I often get them confused.)
13 - Eric Berlin
Who's on Shark's Funny List?
14 - ragnarok
I saw minding the store...
Not really a Pauly Shore fan, but I liked the episode I saw - when he was doing stand up with hios old man.
Seems to me he would have better luck in stand-up than acting...
15 - Pete
Unfortunatly, every American underestimates the genious of Pauly Shore. After a decade of screening that created massive financial income for an actor like Pauly, he took this movie into a new conecept. No actor has done a personal biography on his own suicide. Suicide among actors and musicians, as shown in the media, has created intensive publicity. Everyone can tell that this movie is about the unproductivity of suicide, but Pauly told the story in a way that everyone could... believe its authenticy. Pauly brought the thoughts of every person of the American culture into light, from actors, to musicians, to the common public regarding the loss of American idols. This feature is based on the gullibility of Americanism. I give it up to Pauly for designing a funny film that contradicts all of society's beliefs and that the loss of American idols that creates a rift which brings out the true feelings and thoughts of Americans. This is the idology that most Americans share, the desire to mimic what creates social status. My point is shown through previous comments on this site alone. Every American that speaks negativly of his film doesn't have a clue about what human nature is. You better get a grip on your Psychology and understand that being accepted by society doesn't mean shit. Congradulations to Pauly for making another film that, in the interest of Capitalism, created another avenue of revenue for an otherwise successful director and actor. Shame on those that disgrace his efforts.