Star Wars Spoilers

With Revenge of the Sith set for release in May 2005, rumors have been swirling about what will occur in this last installment of the Star Wars series. After carefully combing related web sites and talking to fans in-the-know, I've collected those rumors that are, in fact, true. Be warned — these are spoilers...

The movie opens with a huge outer space battle scene. Things get blown up real good.

There is a brief nude scene involving Yoda. This is the much rumored “brief ass shot”. Equally disturbing – there are NO nude scenes involving Padmé Amidala.

Grand Moff Tarkin appears briefly, although he is billed as Not-So-Grand-Yet Moff Tarkin in Episode III.

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine gets an on-screen Extreme Make-Over - but it won’t involve plastic surgeons, dermatologists, eye surgeons, dentists, and fashion stylists. It will be instantaneous. After the movie is released, million of overweight Star Wars fans will want a Palpatine-style make over and will stop trying to get on that crappy ABC TV show.

Count Dooku announces he is gay. But he’s not really a homosexual, it’s all a Jedi Mind Trick to make his enemies uncomfortable and keep them off-guard. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Padmé has a one-night stand with a starship janitor. When she later finds out she’s pregnant and tells Anakin she doesn’t know whom the father is, he goes into a drunken rage and beats the living hell out of her. As a result she gives birth prematurely. The paternity question of the twins is a new wrinkle in the Star Wars mythos to be played out in the next “Special Edition” DVD set of the original trilogy – set for release in Summer 2005 – when the janitor character is digitally added to scenes in Episode IV. For example, during the Death Star scene when Alderaan is destroyed you’ll see the janitor mopping the floor in the background.

In one ground battle, Yoda displays his incredible abilities in battle once again, taking on over one hundred storm troopers, summoning the force in incredible displays, and deflecting more laser blasts then seems physically possible. Despite his mad Jedi-Fu skills, he eventually has to retreat.

Article Author: Pete Petrisko

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