In this age of digital filmmaking, practically anyone — from your average teenage YouTube singer to the creepy middle-aged men that tell them they’re talented — can make a movie. Cheaply, I might add. For some reason, these newcomers almost always choose to make horror movies — churning out homemade terrors for entire generations to quiver and quake over due to their low-budget, er, “charms.” They’re everywhere, too: a quick trip to your local video store (where applicable) will present you with several direct-to-video thrillers you’ve never heard of that were made fairly inexpensively. Now, the great thing about ‘em is the fact they were produced so cheaply: something that almost guarantees a profit to the distributors. The downside, of course, is that these movies occasionally live up to the old saying “You get what you pay for.” And, with that said, I give you “Slash-and-Earn: Six Really Cheapo Horror Movies.”
Honest, that’s the actual name of the film. Yes, in the fine, honored tradition of stupid, barely-tolerable movies like My Mom’s a Werewolf comes a film that is nowhere near as enjoyable as My Mom’s a Werewolf — which is really saying something. Indeed, the fact that the DVD’s box art doesn’t even bother giving you a description of this Z-Grade horror comedy — hoping that the title alone will sell you — is proof of how stupendous it is. Did I say “stupendous?” Sorry, I meant “stupid.” The story here has some unlikable, loser of a lad discovering his mum’s hubby is some sort of vampire king or something. Look, it’s just plain awful, kids. Avoid it.
· Planet of the Vampire Women (2011) (MVD Visual)
Produced by fine schlock-loving folks at the Trash Film Orgy — an annual event in Sacramento, CA. wherein several classic (and not-so-classic) features are displayed every summer (and which I habitually attend at least one screening of) — Planet of the Vampire Women is a film that relishes in its budgetary limitations. The plot of this feature — the third produced by TFO Productions, and their most expensive to date, believe it or not — finds a group of sexy space-faring gals encountering a whole world of hazard after they pull off a robbery of (literally) galactic proportions. Expect deliberately cheapo monsters, cheesy CGI effects, intentionally bad writing, and boobs to boot.