On September 25, 2011, Sister Wives began its third season. Although I had enjoyed writing about the show each Sunday last year on Blogcritics' "TV Open Thread," I wasn’t certain I wanted to do the same this year.
To write about the show last year, I had to stay up later than usual (my husband commutes 120 miles a day, and needs his sleep). Yet this wasn't the full reason I had second thoughts about writing (at least in the TV Open Thread section). I also want to write about other things; but at the bottom my reason was that I had, and have, some doubts about whether this show depicts an image of multiple relationship to which I can relate.
Last year a surprising number of people responded to my Blogcritics articles on Sister Wives: some with curiosity, some with tolerance and positive support for the Brown family, and some with disdain for a life that encompasses four wives, sixteen children, and one husband and father.
My point of view is this: I have no problem with the issue of poly-marriage, but I do tend to feel that if a man is going to have more than one wife, the woman (or women) should be free to do the same. A children's rights activist since I was a child myself (so were my parents), I felt a good deal of concern for the Brown children as they fled Utah for Las Vegas at the end of last season. I had often wondered what, exactly, was the point of my publicizing and supporting this way of life?
It is not the multiplicity that bothers me. It’s the conservatism, the restraint of the younger generation; the certainty on the part of Kody Brown that he should be the one and only head of the family; and his lack of concern for the feelings of other family members in doing what he wants to do.
.jpg?t=20130517094513)
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - fghfgh
apply the same standards to them as you would to gay couples or interracial couples - they used to use the same 'what about the children' arguments to maintain bigotry against them. why arent monogamists scrutinized? are they all good role models? should we condemn monogamy?
2 - Ladybelle Fiske
That's the way to look at it and all things, really-- with a critical eye applied to what is "normal." I do worry about children of monogamy and have lived my life (at least the early part of it) trying to make sure my own kids have more than just 2 people as parents in it.
3 - Ladybelle Fiske
That is, we had a group of people who helped care for the children we had-- friends, helpers, sometimes lovers too. They did it in four hour shifts (a great blessing to me, as my daughter never slept).
I understand the need for people to have more help ad for kids to have more people in their lives. What worries me at times for the Brown kids is not the unusual quality of their situation but the feeling that they are under Kody's thumb in a strange way... he exposed their lifestyle to the public by doing a TV show, then had to flee Utah because they might be taken from their parents. To me it seems he doesn't always take the consequences into account-- the wives are often far more thorough is examining a situation than he is.
I also just feel that they have been uprooted in a rather cruel way. Hope they will make the adjustment and enjoy meeting new kids. I do not think that polyandrous or polygamous parents are necessarily better or worse than normal or gay parents either.
The main thing is to have parents who love one and are willng to take one's feelings into account. Each situation should be considered for what it is, don't you think? Are the kids free to choose their own eventual lifestyle, as Kody and his wives have said they will be? If this is true, then they are doing all right in some ways...
4 - Ladybelle Fiske
SO MANY monogamists are parenting badly. This is really the Big Issue in my life, that ALL parents need some kind of training and guidance before they have babies. If only they understood how sensitive kids are-- and how much they are loved and needed, I don't think they'd just have kids and then treat them badly or run off. Still, one never knows. I heard of a woman abandoning her 2 young children nearby recently. Impossible to understand... even though I'm sure she is having a hard time in life.
5 - polygrrl
I agree that many parents of all lifestyles parent badly, and that sexual orientation and lifestyle choices are really separate from parenting ability. If a child has multiple adults who care a great deal about their well-being and work together fairly well, though, I think the child has a better chance at having a good start in life. I don't agree with the religious beliefs of the Browns, but there are many religions I would not want to raise my children in, and those parents also have the freedom to teach their children as they see fit.
My lifestyle choices have tended toward the polyamorous, and I'm currently in a long-term, stable, non-religiously based poly family. We don't yet have children, but I agree with much of what Ladybelle Fiske says, and expect this situation to be very good for raising children.
6 - Ladybelle Fiske
Well, as I know, it's quite a story when you have more than two people based in a family. But we had a big family with many parents for many children and though they knew which were their "real" or biological parents, I believe most of them got a lot of benefit from having other adults to be with. Especially when the child has only one parent to begin with (single mothers made up a large number of the people with whom our group was involved). This gave children another parent or parents to be a part of her or his life, plus the "Mutual Adoption Club" to support the whole.
Thanks for your supportive note, polygrrl.
I have my problems with the Browns too, but clearly they care about the kids, so I hope for the best for all of them.
7 - Ladybelle Fiske
PS The term "Mutual Adoption Club" comes from Aldous Huxley's last book "Island"-- an influence on our way of raising kids. Have a look sometime.It actually does help especially when there's tension in a home...
8 - Janet
Polygamy is disgusting. Marriage is for one man and one woman. Mormanism is a cult, these people are silly to follow it.
9 - jennifer
All four women are sharing germs with each other....
10 - Ladybelle Fiske
I wonder if they use condoms? That ought to take care of that. But really-- people have done this and do it now all over the world. It is a cultural prejudice on our part that makes us feel it is disgusting.
Those who practice some version of poly-marriage might feel we monogamy "freaks" are repulsive, too.
Of course, women can give one another illnesses, but with some reasonable attention to cleanliness,poly-sex should not be too much more "germy" than other sexual contact.
What do others think?
11 - Ladybelle Fiske
I think it could be a "cult" if they insist their children marry into polygamy rather than letting them-- free and independent individuals-- choose for themselves.
This does worry me, but I don't think they are going to be able to force these kids.They seem to have their own minds and thoughts.
12 - Christopher Rose
As long as there is no extra-marital sexuality going on, there should not be any health issues in such a physical relationship arrangement.
How people organise their private lives should not be a matter of legal or governmental interest.
13 - Ladybelle Fiske
I think that is probably the truth and what I was trying to say... not very well.
14 - Jackie S
What are they doing against the law? He is only married to one of his wives by law, the others are not. It's not like he went out and married the others without each of them knowing about each other! What about adultery? No one goes to jail for that. They seem like good people and they treat their children alot better than alot of people out there.I could not live this life style but I say leave them alone and let them live how they wish.
15 - marcie
I like the Browns, and although I don't understand women who would settle for 1/4 of a man, I can see why they'd feel the sisterhood, the big family, is compensatory. But the bottom line is, for me, the kids. Kody, the Dad, can't possibly give seventeen (?) children the attention they need. Kinda like animal hoarders who insist their eighty cats aren't suffering. They are. They just can't see it, or won't.
16 - Lakesgirl
No one EVEr seems to talk about where the money comes for ALL these houses and mouths! I can't help but believe there isn't government money involved (as in single parents needing assistance, since technically, that's what 3 of these wives are.)
17 - Ladybelle Fiske
I also wondered how they get money. I do not know but could it be that they are paid by TLC/Discovery for their participation in the show? I do not know about this, but perhaps I could find out.
Kody said he was cashing in his retirement account. He and Janelle had jobs-- and Meri had some sort of small job, as I recall. THey may be living on savings.
From my own community experience, I can say that children do like seeing both parents often-- even with other adults involved-- and some resent not having two parents in a "normal" situation. In our case, some have been more annoyed about it since they were grown. When they were younger, they liked the situation and some still truly appreciate it. It was, of course, quite different from FLDS poly-relationship; it was not like anything else I've ever heard of, really, except Aldous Huxley's ISLAND with its Mutual Adoption Societies.
I hope people will enjoy reading Polygrrl's writing about the Brown family. She is going to do the TV Open Thread version. I'll still write about them from time to time.
I don't know if they would be able to get government assistance, by the way-- they've had a lot of publicity. But if they did, my personal feeling is, better to spend it on families than on war.
18 - Ladybelle Fiske
I rather like the Browns too. I hope for the best for them. They shouldn't have had to flee Utah. I worry for their children but mainly because the older ones are unhappy being in Nevada.
19 - Anne
I do not agree with this lifestyle. It also seems one sided to me. How come the women can't have several husbands? I think this is all for Kody's sexual pleasure. He needs variety to stay happy. I feel sorry for the innocent kids. Life is confusing enough now a days. Who needs the drama of several moms and only one dad.
Money won't be a problem long for these sinners, TLC will provide them with money and I predict a big house or several houses free of charge. Just like TLC did with Jon and Kate Plus 8.
20 - Ladybelle Fiske
Did they? I assume some of the money comes from the TV show. The cars are so NEW. I haven't got a car like that... mine is pretty old!
I think it's good for kids to know who their parents are and have attention from those parents. Whether it is crucial to have 2 parents only or whether more can be helpful is an issue on which the jury is still out for me. My daughter was raised by a group of people and is well-adjusted and brilliant, a social worker and Zumba teacher... but she longs for a community situation in which to live and raise children, so perhaps having a group set up expectations that later times could not meet (she was born in 1971).
My son was raised with some help from others in our group, but mostly cared for by my husband and myself, in an essentially nuclear family (with some extensions such as cousins and close friends living in the home).
He is also doing well, only 23 (b. 1988) and is in law school. I get the sense that love and supportiveness are the key factors in raising kids. If they have the sense that there is love for them and between the adults, it really helps... but I do think that there's a longing to know both one's parents. (I myself came from a two parent family with friends who helped out with kids, an intellectual bunch of bohemians of the 50s and 60s, but not Beatniks... They loved Shaw, Blake, Melville, the Renaissance, the Impressionists...)
I am curious to see how all the "kids" turn out. And I surely hope for the best for Kody and his wives' kids. One of his sons looks very troubled, the one who always wants to be alone. I worry for him.
In any case, to me it seems they probably don't get government money because they are too public and because money from the gov't does not buy cars like that and rent big houses like that. I think probably TLC but who knows?
Is it really our business? Perhaps because they have made the rest of their lives our business with the show.
21 - polygrrl
I think you've brought up some great points here, Ladybelle. It's a complex situation - on the one hand, as someone in an alternative relationship myself, I admire and appreciate what the Browns are doing, because it is opening minds, and perhaps, over time, legal doors. But I do also wonder about its affect on the kids, who may not have had much say in whether their lives would be reflected on television. Besides the one older boy, though, the kids seems fairly well-adjusted and confident and happy; they seem to know they are loved.
If you are interested in what other polygamists have to say about Sister Wives, I'll now also be reviewing this show for BlogCritics - read the latest.
22 - sissy
I think this show is eye opening. I feel any information on polygamy has been from the media which is always polygamist men marrying children. This show is nothing like what i thought. For me, the sister wives represent very strong women who deal with knowing their husband is involved with other women which for most of us is unimaginable. Kody has chosen 4 women who seen to be very strong and centered so they mesh well together. I think they are going throught what most long term relationships go throught. My only issue is with kody, When the children are struggling i feel he needs to spend more time at that house to help the wife and child or children get throught what ever issues they have
23 - Ladybelle Fiske
Thanks, Polygrrl. I hope people will check out the TV Open Thread: For All Your Rants and Raves column that Sara (Polygrrl) is now writing about Sister Wives. I'll be posting an occasional Sister Wives column and writing about other things too, I am sure. Probably with the next show or so I'll write something, but with Polygrrl you can go online Sun night after the show, or Mon. morning, and immediately express your thoughts!
Also, Sissy, thank you for your point of view. I like what you have to say. The women's relationship is the most interesting part of it all to me; and I do think that Kody (and to some extent the others) haven't taken into account what the kids would feel about having their lives exposed (as Polygrrl says). I think Kody ought to be more focused on the kids too, if he can, and perhaps his nights with the wives should center around WHICH CHILD needs him most at the time, and which wife, rather than a one-two-three-four schedule. I wonder if they change things if there's a crisis?
He seems to me to have a special attachment to Robyn, which is normal, I guess , since they are recently married and having their first child. But one can see it is hard on Christine particularly at the moment.
24 - Eileen Louis
I think that the whole poly situation is crazy. The program is providing them with money and they put up a "good face" for TV. i see that some of their kids are not going to practice their views and rightfully so.Another sort of " Jon and Kate" kind of thing. It is all crazy. Hopefully the kids will figure it all out.Kody favours Robyn - it is not hard to see that !!!
25 - Sara
I agree with you Annabelle, I think the law that drove the family out of the state is the biggest reason the family is in crisis. It would have been much easier to incorporate Robyn and her kids into the family, have enough working adults to maintain the household and find a bigger house together. But instead, they were forced into a crisis, financial and otherwise, and are living apart which is obviously causing major problems for the family in different ways. It's a good thing they have each other though to help weather the pressure.