In another one of those remote small towns that conveniently can’t get a cell phone signal, is isolated from the rest of the world, and has some ancient legend that could destroy them all, there’s this monster. Well, it was a wizard who, for some inexplicable reason, turned into rocks when he was killed a while back. Now, he’s back in rock form looking to munch on people because apparently his digestive tract still works.
Rock Monster has a visiting college kid (played by Chad Collins) pulling a sword from a piece of foam… err, painted foam… no, wait… a rock. That sword just happened to be keeping that wizard guy dead. Going into the nearby town with it, the locals, knowing what has happened, become terrified at the sight of the sword.
Now, never mind the fact that this sword has been there for a few centuries and no one else passing by seemed to take notice even though it rests about ten feet from a road. Oh, and for all of the danger surrounding it, you would think someone would have put up a fence or a sign to prevent said disaster.
These people obviously aren’t very smart, but thankfully they’re well armed. In a town of about 50 people, their single-man army owns a tank, rocket launcher, and more guns than seen in all four Rambo movies put together. The Colonel, played by Jon Polito, is ripped right out of a ‘50s sci-fi creature feature, hamming it up with an impossible-to-decipher gravelly voice and accent, believing firepower can take down anything.
Loads of action, a decent sense of humor, and somewhat above average effects at least make Rock Monster bearable. The monster looks and moves like a low rent Transformer, with the ability to apparently camouflage itself as needed, though not when in danger. Gore is minor compared to other Sci-Fi Channel schlock fests, though there is a decent head-eating when the token black guy tries to escape (even though he obviously isn’t going anywhere due to a lack of transportation).
.jpg?t=20120527181101)
Article comments
1 - Zarina
LOL!!! Your review was more entertaining than the movie! :D
2 - Shiraziel
I passed on watching "Rock Monster", but your review was hysterical! This movie sounds like it could have easily been one to be ridiculed on the old Mystery Science Theatre 3000... and I think you would have been the perfect viewer/reviewer to have trashed it along with Crow T Robot and Tom Servo! Kudos!