The hungry beastie is a "Creature From the Black Lagoon" look-a-like, just with plenty of teeth. It's mostly a man in a suit, save for a few seconds of nasty and totally unnecessary CGI. It doesn't take long for a full reveal and the feast begins quickly. Actually, within the first few minutes the body count is already close to five. Don't think for a second that this makes the film worth watching, however.
More logic lapses involve that monster. For most of the movie, the critter is blasted with a variety of ammunition, none of it penetrating its hide. Then, simply because the running time is coming to an end, they begin to effect him as he bleeds fluorescent green blood. One plot point that goes absolutely nowhere revolves around some fluid that could be injected into the creature to kill it. After scouring the ship and unlocking a safe to get at it, it's never mentioned again.
This is the type of review that could be finished with countless critic clichés. You can pick one:
It's 90 minutes of your life you'll never get back.
You wouldn't have the heart to let Hitler watch this movie.
It's a waste.
It should be banned in most countries for ineptitude.
It doesn't entertain in the least.
It's the type of trash that doesn't even deserve to go direct to TV.
Not even a 6-year-old would be entertained.
Movies have hit a new low.
It's the kind of movie you recommend to an ex-girl/boyfriend after a bad break-up.
Everyone's paycheck should be revoked.
It's an insult to your intelligence, even if you never passed the third grade.
May everyone involved be banned from ever being included in another motion picture.
Family members would disown you if they knew you watched it.
Taking a bath composed entirely of salt after the top layer of your skin was burned off by a raging inferno would be less painful than watching this film.
Roger Ebert's thumb doesn't go low enough to effectively describe just how pathetic it is.
Advertisers should sue if they actually had to pay for airtime.
An average kid's piggy bank contains more cash than it took to make this atrocity.
This is the type of thing the FCC should be paying attention to and that has nothing to do with program content.
Article comments
1 - Nick Jones
The Sci-Fi Channel keeps producing crap like this, while they canceled the great Farscape.
I saw one of their movies this past summer, about a giant snake that was released from a pocket deep under the Antarctic surface. It was godawful, and Dean Cain's career must be on the skids if he needed the paycheck for this film.
2 - DrPat
LOL! Great review of a bad movie! If it wasn't on TV, people would sue the theaters for false advertising.
Sadly, there will be some sales of the DVD/video release, though, you just know it.
3 - Matt Paprocki
Hey Nick,
That one you mentioned was Boa. It was part of a quintology of giant snake movies which included Python, Python II, and then finally Boa. Then Sci-fi got the idea to merge the two in Boa vs. Python. Yes, I'm a nerd to know this.
In all honesty, Boa wasn't half as bad as most of the recent stuff like Gargoyles. Python was a great bad movie (Jenny McCarthy gets her head taken off, that automatically makes it worth watching) but II was terrible. Oddly, Dean Cain is in a bunch of these movies, including the so-so Dragon Fighter (great finale).
4 - Dave Nalle
So does the Sci Fi Channel not know that a Boa IS a Python?
You've got to wonder how they can perpetuate so much crap like this,, yet still do excellent stuff like Stargate SG=1.
The high point of the 20 minutes of this movie I was able to sit through was seeing how much weigh John Rhys-Davies had lost.
Dave
5 - Anna
Wonderful review! Thanks for the warning.
6 - DrPat
Dave - a boa is a python!?! As a long-time owner of both, as pets, I know better. A python may be a member of the same genus, boidae, as the boa, but they are not the same species.
More truthful to say a Chihuahua is a St. Bernard, or a Pinto is a Percheron.
7 - Chris Hogan
The Chupacabra, real or mythical, has been described at length, both physically and behaviorily. To see such total lack of resemblance to the "creature" was like seeing Mickey Mouse played by a lion.
8 - Matt Paprocki
Hey Chris, seems like you know a bit about the creature. This was the first I had heard of it. Are there any decent movies featuring it? I seen a few on Amazon when I was looking for the items in the post.
9 - JubJub
Matt, the reasons you cite for disliking "Chupacabra" so much are the same reasons people like me love this genre. There is NO thinking involved. I loved it. I also love seeing otherwise respectable actors hamming it up. One only has to remember the classic "Thing With Two Heads", starring Ray Milland and Rosie Grier, where Milland's head is transplanted onto Grier's body. A rampage ensues. And the dynamo of popular culture rambles on down the road!
10 - Emigre Mic
Do Chupaca® bras have fewer or more cups?