You don't start watching a Sci-Fi Channel flick and expect to see something new. This time out, with Attack of the Sabretooth, they gave us that something: new movie rules. It's not going to revolutionize horror movies, but it does present new ways for idiotic, no name characters to die.
Rule 1: Never, ever chase your porno magazine computer-generated centerfold into the DNA cloned sabretooth pen… ever. You will be killed, and harshly at that. Don't try to come crawling back to close the pen's gate either. You've already ruined the premiere party for the guy trying to make a park out nothing but sabretooth tigers because he wasn't smart enough to clone a T-Rex.
Rule 2: Come up with a reasonable slogan for your attraction, Primal Park. "Genetic miracles: Reasonably priced" is not going to attract visitors. "Death dealing cats from the past" will. You don't have to be a marketing expert to figure that out.
Rule 3: If your college chums send you on a cheap scavenger hunt to a remote island housing sabretooth cats, decline immediately. In fact, find a new school and friends while you're at it. If not, you will be dismembered.
Rule 4: If you're the Goth girl, you will survive. The Goth girl always survives.
Rule 5: Don't have sex with the new girl named Sharona in the gift shop. Karma will come back to kill you when you use the obvious song reference as a pick-up line, usually in the form of brutal decapitation. You don't even want to know what happens to Sharona.
Rule 6: The death of the park owner will always be foretold with the worst special effects sequence possible. If you see the CGI from 1989, you're screwed.
Rule 7: If you stumble on sabretooth fetuses made from Play-doh, it's time to get the hell out of there. Screw the scavenger hunt.
Article comments
1 - H.W. Saxton
Do they use Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" in the soundtrack?
2 - H.W. Saxton
Do they use Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" in the soundtrack?
3 - Tan The Man
So did you like it? The commercials made it seem interesting.
4 - Matt Paprocki
No, it sucked. Those are all logic lapses and plot holes. No movie can survive all of those.
5 - DSC
Just out of interest the sabretooth was covered in goat skins, as we don't have Wal-Mart here in New Zealand. Also it is a completely different puppet from the other film. The 1 we created was more acurate to what a real sabretooth would have looked like.
6 - PDValentine
My son and I are watching it now and it's so bad it's good. Anyway, folks, it's fantasy; wasting your time picking it apart proves, one, you're anal and take these things waaay too seriously and, two, you've completely lost the ability to suspend disbelief.
7 - Tsee
To the parent who enjoyed the movie with your son, my apologies. I think it's harder for us who know more to suspend our belief -- after all, the brain matter weighs a bit more.
Nothing personal, of course, it's just a stupid movie.