Satire: The Last Episode of 24 - Page 3

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[As Mabel re-enters Situation Room, another phone rings. We see 12-WAY SPLIT SCREEN of all cell phones in the room.]

PRES: Is that for me? Whose cell is that?

[Mabel picks up second call on another cell phone she happens to be carrying.]

MABEL: Mr. President, I have Billy Bob on one cell and Mr. Laden on another cell. Whom do you wish to speak with first?

[CLOSEUP of Mabel. CUT TO CLOSEUP of the President.]

PRES: Well, who's that on the Nokia? Billy Bob?

MABEL: Yes sir. How do you want to handle this?

PRES [biting his lower lip]: I'll take that one first I guess.... Yes, what is it, Billy Bob...? Oh, thank God! Everybody, Bauer is alive!

[We hear show's standard Bauer-is-alive-after-all theme music. Everybody chatters and yelps gleefully. High-fives all around. 12-WAY SPLIT SCREEN of high-fives, followed by 12-WAY SPLIT SCREEN of people patting their cell phones to make sure they're secure.]

PRES: Okay, okay, settle down now, settle down now, people. I'm still on the call.... Uh, so why the misinformation, Billy Bob?

BILLY BOB [in other panel of SPLIT SCREEN]: Just some bad intel, Mr. President. But if you were thinking of surrendering to bin Laden, I'd wait until Jack has a chance to follow through on his latest lead. Apparently his mother knows something relevant to the investigation, and he's almost through beating the shit out of her even as we speak. We'll know more in a few minutes.

[Mabel is gesturing furiously at the other cell phone.]

PRES [loud and authoritative]: Uh, okay then, Billy Bob. Keep up the good work, and please keep me posted. I want reports at 18-second intervals. I'll do a fake-surrender with Bin Laden and stall him, until Jack can track him down and beat the shit out of him too.

[Mabel continues to gesture furiously at the other cell phone.]

BILLY BOB: Mr. President, we're pretty busy at this end as well, but I will be sure to keep you posted.

PRES: Er, okay, then. Give me that.

[CUT TO Mabel pulling at her hair and stalking out of the Situation Room as President fiddles with wire to connect this cell phone to the speaker after detaching the other cell phone from it.]

Article Author: David M. Brown

David M. Brown is the publisher of The Webzine and runs the blog for Laissez Faire Books, where he recently posted about libertarian views on immigation.

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