Satire: The Last Episode of 24 - Page 2

[CUT TO Eyebrow, severed and bleeding.

[CUT TO Billy Bob Nostril, hesitant.

[CUT TO PRES, waiting.

[CUT TO 2-WAY SPLIT SCREEN. We see Pres on left screen and Billy Bob on right screen. The Pres screen BECOMES THE SHAPE OF A TRIANGLE and the Billy Bob screen BECOMES THE SHAPE OF A CIRCLE.]

BILLY BOB: Mr. President. It's worse than that. Seven minutes and 35 seconds ago, Jack Bauer was killed by heavy traffic while crossing the street. Apparently he was looking at his stopwatch, which he has a habit of doing on the hour every hour, when he should have been looking where he was going.... Bottom line, Mr. President: we've lost Jack Bauer, the man who has--

PRES: Hold on... I'm putting you on speaker, Billy Bob.

[PRES presses speaker button on speaker phone on desk after fiddling with controls for a bit. He plugs a wire into the cell phone and connects it to the speaker. He presses speaker phone button again. Seems to be working.]

PRES: Can you repeat what you just said?

BILLY BOB: Mr. President. It's worse than that. Eight minutes and 4 seconds ago, Jack Bauer was killed by heavy traffic while crossing the street. Apparently he was looking at his watch, which he has a habit of doing on the hour every hour, when he should have been looking where he was going. Bottom line, Mr. President: we've lost Jack Bauer, the man who has headed up every anti-terrorist mission in the field for the past three going on four years.

[We hear show's standard looks-like-Bauer-is-really-dead-this-time theme music.

[Hush falls over the Situation Room.]

PRES: Thank you for calling. [Buzzes intercom.] Mabel?

[CUT TO Mabel at her desk in the outer office.]

MABEL [leaning toward intercom]: Yes, Mr. President?

PRES: Come in here, please.

[Mabel enters Situation Room. Pres hands her the cell phone.]

PRES: Get Bin Laden on the line, Mabel. We're going to have to surrender.

[Mabel leaves to dial the number in the outer office. She sits down at her desk and efficiently presses a speed-dial button with her pencil.

[Laden's phone rings....]

LADEN VOICE MESSAGE: You have reached the voicemail of Osama bin Laden. At the sound of the tone, please leave a--

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