Dear Peter Jackson, director of King Kong:
Here are nine thoughts on how you can improve this movie.
1. Shorten the movie by at least an hour - if this movie is mocking other Kong movies why does it have to be longer than them? And why must we wait an hour before we get our first glimpse at Kong?
2. Consistency would be nice. I could be mistaken but I'm pretty sure the female lead was in bare feet when she walked down the street to talk to her big hairy boyfriend but she had high heels when she was on the Empire State Building.
3. Just because a movie does a good job at being bad and corny in order to point out how bad and corny the original movies are, doesn't make the movie itself good.
4.Watch Mars Attacks. You know how, after a while, the idea of mocking bad movies got old? Same with Ed Wood? Learn from that.
5. More scenes of just Naomi Watts and Kong like the ice pond one and the
one where she does vaudeville. If there had been more original scenes like that this could have been a much more entertaining, original film.
6. New character suggestion: Kong has a wife. And for an ape, she's a babe!
7. Here's a pitch: Kong's wife gets jealous of the Fay Wray character and gets the wrong idea. Mayhem ensues. Think Three's Company meets King Kong meets The Odd Couple. Trust me on this.
8. Fire Jack Black. Two problems with Black - one, he has the same expression the whole movie which means either he can't act or he's intentionally doing a bad job. In either case it doesn't help the film. Second, since we're used to him being funny, we keep waiting for him to break out into song, a la School of Rock.
9. If you insist in making the movie last more than three hours, can we get a bathroom break?
Why 9? Why not 10? Because that'd be too predictable. Speaking of predictable, how about you let Kong live and have the other characters die since none of them are particularly interesting?
Scott
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Article comments
1 - Jonathan
I thought the movie was pretty fucking terrible, but you are right when you say the pond scene was good. I tried to convince my girlfriend to let us leave after the T REX fight scene- but she wouldn't have it ("we payed 8 bucks god damnit SIT DOWN"). The pond scene made me think to myself that is a good thing I didn't leave, as I would've missed out on it. I actually got a bit sentimental watching that scene. But then I was like..dude it is a fucking 8000 pound ape sliding around on the ice get a hold of yourself. By the time I had thought the movie went to shit again so I was HOKAY.
2 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Scott, i don't get the whole "making fun of bad movies" thing. the whole reason for Jackson making the film is because the original is his favourite film, the first film to really capture his imagination. this is a tribute to the original, not a mockery. i think you've got the wrong end a some sorta stick there.
3 - Scott Butki
I thought it was intentionally campy and dialogue wooden to model after how campy and wooden things were back when the original was made.
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
well, there's definately an attempt to replicate that sorta rhythm dialogue wise but it's in no way a mockery of it. this ain't any sorta spoof. in fact, i'd expect some folks will find it too earnest, if anything.
5 - Scott Butki
Personally I didn't find the characters interesting even with the first hour spent attempting to give character development. So I was hoping that was due to attempts to copy/mock/paying tribute to the original.
6 - Yam12
Definitely not a spoof!
I want to convince myself that there is a difference between a tribute and a homage. If Mr. Jackson was paying tribute to the original then we should be watching the original with Mr. Jackson doing an intro - sort of an opening remarks before the screening.
I'm not making a mockery of this genius, it's just that his version was more of a technological update: an XBox 360 compared to an original Atari - better graphics, better resolution, more budget...something like an "i-can-do-better-than-that" version.
If it was a homage...for what? To the original director, animators, or characters of the movie? I feel really sad for Kong now...
7 - Scott Bjtu
I guess I just want to find a reason for why the dialgoue had to be so wooden, the characters so uninteresting, etc.
My hope was that it was intentional.
Surely we're supposed, for example, to be laughing at the idea of the ship crewmates having their own little book discusion group on, I think, Hearts of Darkness.