My Horrible '60 Minutes' Interview

I was grateful yet nervous to receive a phone call from the producers of 60 Minutes. My first though was, "This is a wondrous chance to get exposure for my harrowing yet inspiring cause!" My second thought was, "What is Spanky doing in my backyard with 2 midgets and 40 gallons of Rocky Road ice cream?"

I agreed to go to the interview, but I am starting to think it was a mistake. 'Twas none other than Andy Rooney who interviewed me, may he rot in hell.

Below is a transcript.

* * *

(Rooney) Hello! Welcome to 60 minutes! With us is Bob, from sendbobtomars.com. Tell us a bit about yourself, Bob!

(Me) Thank you, Mr. Rooney, a pleasure to be here. A pleasure! Well, you see, it first started in St. Ignatius' Deathful Home for-

(Loud sounds of flatulence in the background)

(Rooney) WHOA! You feeling okay there, Bob?

(Me) Sir! It was not I! Surely you play a trick on me...

(Rooney) Suuure, whatever you say, farty. Now, tell me about your plans to go to Mars.

(Me) Indeed! Well, I think by using a mixture of nitrous oxide and a special type of rubber, I can burn-

(More flatulence sounds)

(Rooney) WHOOOAAA! I think I see the fuel you're burning! It's called bean burrito!

(Canned laughter in the background)

(Me) Sir, I'm insulted yet frustrated. All I want is-

(More flatulence sounds)

(Rooney) WHOAAA! I see what you want! A cork!

(Canned laughter in the background)

(Me storming off stage, crying like a school girl.)

* * *

I think this episode airs sometime in August.

You'll rue the day, Rooney. RUUUUEEEEEEE!

Article Author: Bob

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