9:10 pm---I know J Lo butt jokes are passe, but damnit she got a hobbit livin' up in there. Damn. Damn. Damn.
9:13 pm Aask and ye shall receive---Shakira ass shakin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tribal drums, and butt wigglin' so strong the power almost goes out in NYC. Best 18 seconds of the whole show.
9:14 pm Oh hell, she's singing.
9:14 and 6 seconds--- *mute button* aaah, much better.
9:15 pm Oh, to be that mic stand. If only.
9:23 pm As much as I will occasionally loathe my job, I will forever take solace in the fact that it is not my vocation to wax the chest hair of American Idol judge "Simon."
9:24 pm Simon makes like a WWE heel and gets the crowd going against him. I'm looking for one of the AI contestants to bust out a steel chair and go ballistic on him. And Paula Abdul to shout "Why? damnit WHY?" I think about these things, you see.
9:27 pm Avril wins Best New Artist, ensuring that the number of people who find my blog via the search "Avril Lavigne nude pics" or "Avril Lavigne feet kissing" (bwa?) will triple. Exxxxxxxxxxcellent. You freaks.
9:33 pm Apparently it's 1986 and no one told me---David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar are onstage.
9:34 pm My own award---best hair job to the person who found an albino lemur and stapled it to David Lee's head. My God. That toupee is illegal in 34 states. I looked it up.
9:39 pm Mike Myers appears, out of costume. no one has a clue who he is.
9:50 pm Must...fight...ennui...
9:51 pm Christ, Carson Daly...*passes out from boredom*
9:53 pm---*Flicks on pro wrestling* wtf? Why is Undertaker on Smackdown? He belongs on RAW! What the hell is going on? This is what I get for not reading my internet wresting spoilers, and oh, am I typing out loud here? Nevermind. Keep moving. This never happened.
10 pm Yes, it's indeed 1986. Run DMC is on now. Introducing P. Diddy.
Let's take a moment shall we to contemplate the significance of this. This is like Led Zeppelin introducing Poison. This is the Supremes introducing 3LW. This is frickin' WRONG.
10:03 pm P Diddy has alreayd played 8 songs. Usher got lost I think, happened to end up on stage, and danced off, so near as I can tell. That was weird.
10:06 pm Best female artists presented by---Avril and Lisa Marie Presely. Lisa has a shirt that says "bite me." Avril is openly hostile to Lisa Marie. GIRL POWER BABY!
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Dean Peters
"I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob." - Larry the Cucumber, Veggie Tales.
2 - Jim Treacher
Mother doesn't allow me to go to parties on Thursday night. Or any other night.
3 - Raspil
I also paid attention to the VMA's and posted my take -- out of the two hours I caught, Pink's drunken confession was the only high point for me. You were a lot more detailed than I would ever care to be. Way to go.
4 - Dicky Trickle
YOur commentary sucked harder than Justin Timberlakes fetid performance. And stop baggin' on Christina -- her rack is one for the ages
5 - Djk
Pretty funny review. I was hoping there would be a big three way brawl between Moby, Christina and Eminem, but that didn't happen. That's about the only thing that could have made the show worth watching. But you watched it for me, so I don't have to. Thanks!
6 - Ritch
Nice commentary---sounded like me and the boys except for the fixation on Shakira and Christina's rack: we were too speechless. I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who thought that the Guns N' Roses appearance, cool as it seemed at first, lost steam when Axel lost his energy and couldn't keep going at his initial pace.
Hey what are you going to do for the Oscars?
7 - Ken
You have to give credit to some of the performers for their attempts at music celebrity impersonations. The Hives lead singer as early Mick, P.Diddy's stirring tribute to Hammer, and Justin Timberlake's white boy version of vintage Michael Jackson.
8 - ryan
yes ken, just showing how few original ideas are really left. it was sort of a hig-gloss "star search" for a lot of the night.
the oscars??? hmmm....
9 - Marcy
Just a few things you forgot to address... Christina talking like she was straight from the hood even though we know she is a girl from the suburbs...
Eminem looking like an arse trying to start something w/ Moby...
Justin from American Idol jumping in the air to greet Randy with pants so tight you could see a little too much...
The best part of the night was M.J. accepting a non-existent award!! I enjoyed your insight...
10 - Shannon
Ryan: Oscar Night, my house...you heard it here first, y'all. Oscar party at bitter-girl's casa! Bostonites beware...
11 - Lex
That was incredible ... yes, this shows an overabundance of free time ... but nevertheless, incredible.
12 - Courtney
Funny review. I actually felt sorry for Axl, he looked awful and sounded even worst. I miss Slash, too. Christina was obviously vying for the "neathage" of the Millenium award, which of course Micheal Jackson accepted as well. Whenever in doubt, grab a shiny object and make a speech. CLASSIC. Britney looked awful as well. Kill many cows lately Brit? The only high point of the whole show was the White Stripes. Oh, how I love that Jack White. *swoon*
13 - Tatalalicious
Funny. Now I dont' have to watch. I love Christina btw. she was yum in that outfit.
14 - c.b.l.
what no busts on eminem? is everyone afraid of this guy? he looks like a little boy in the face, he sounds like he has nasal congestion, and women actually find this guy attractive. can i ask why? he has no cuts, obviously doesn't workout. he sucks!!!!!
15 - ryan
you know, a few people have asked me about this. to be honest, after nothing really happened between eminem and christina, i went to the bathroom, and missed the whole thing.
i didn't insert anything later because
1) it would ruin the whole project (spontaneous reaction to what i directly experienced)
2) enough media coverage took care of eminem anyways..
16 - j.m.d.
Acc. to NY Post Axl had plastic surgery a la Mickey Rourke. How bad was it?
17 - perv
britney, yea! christina, hellz yea! mary-kate and ashley...dear lord...i am going to hell...
18 - marc
Outstanding homage to Bill Simmons! The only thing missing was a reference to throwing up in your mouth and setting yourself on fire, other than that a reasonably fine facsimile of a SG Page Two column.
19 - ryan
homage is fine---direct blatant copying i kept to a minimum!
20 - Dana
Was it just me or did Axl's face look . . . wierd? I couldn't quite figure it out, as I was dog tired and only staying awake for GnR (!!!faded to ???) but something was wrong. Was it his teeth? And I'm of the unshakable opinion that those nifty little braids were attached to the bandanna, not Axl's head. Did you notice that when he did the post-show interview in the wings, his "hair" was crooked?
GnR sounded like a killer Guns n Roses cover band with a really crappy lead singer who just couldn't hit Axl's high notes. I was really let down, particularly as I was about as excited as Jimmy Fallon when I heard the first few notes.
21 - bhurn
I can't believe that you so blatantly plagerized Bill Simmons. At least you tipped your hat, but you stole his jokes and everything. Good job, no talent. Way to be almost as unoriginal as the Video Awards, themselves. Where do you rank on the Unintentional Loser Scale?
22 - ryan
my first hate mail! i've officially arrived.
23 - Mork
Well, I have to say that at first I got wildly excited upon seeing that Guns n Roses were performing but the disappointment set in once I saw that apparently Axl was performing with a member of the KKK (Buckethead) and had aged terribly. Mostly it was the hair and terrible sound that threw me off. But what really killed was that at the end everyone was all "It rocked!" but no, it didn't. MTV sucks. Good commentary though you bastard.
24 - mm
I just discovered your stream of consciousness postings...I laughed so hard I think I peed.
Much better than actually watching the program.
Hail, Ryan.
25 - Stacy
This was the funniest thing I've read in forever. I'm sitting in libary at the college and could not stop cracking up. Everone around me kept turning around and giving me the "this is a libary" look. Awesome review!!