7:48 pm Someone found Christina Aguilera under the rock she's been beneath for 2 years, threw her in 8'' of fabric, and told her to tell everyone she was "dressing comfy." Please. The 8 people left in America who hadn't seen the bottom of her boobs are now sated.
7:49 pm John Norris: "So what's the new album called?"
Christina: "Stripped"
I can't make this stuff up.
"Yea, I know some people will think of sexual stuff, but it's about me being me, about being real".
Riiiight. I have some swamp land to sell ya if you believe that.
7:50 pm. Watching MTV go live is as painful as getting a splinter in the eye. I'm switching channels. *VH1 One Hit Wonders* Exxxxcellent Smithers.
7:51 pm Don Johnson, on his solo album, collaborated with, among others: Willie Nelson, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Ron Wood, and Whoopi Goldberg. All but Whoopie sued to get their names off the record once it came out.
7:52 Jumpin Jesus on a pogo stick, Enrique is really dating Anna Kournakova. I want to punch him in the mole.
8 pm. Show starts for real. BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE is playing with the E Street Band, in the middle of a hurricane it looks like.
8:01 pm Can someone get Bruce an umbrella? Or even a hat? Dear God he's a living legend, get the man some protection so he doesn't electrocute himself on live TV!!!!!!!!!
8:02 pm Whoever is getting the umbrella should also get Little Steven a pick, the poor guy's playing bluegrass style and obviously having issues.
8:03 pm---also, while you're back there, someone find Clarence's sax, he seems to have lost it and is banging two Snicker's bars together and trying to pass them off as maracas. Just sad.
8:05 pm Bruce is a god. I hate this song on the radio but the live version is outstanding. A nice way to start to show. I sit back and wait for MTV to screw it up.
8:07-8:12 pm The Jimmy Fallon musical parody, some thoughts---
---Dear God you can't do falsettos, homes
---Bless you for mocking Enrique. Enrique looks embarrased. Dude, you're going home and seeing Anna naked. Just frickin' deal you mole-pocked bastard.
---James Brown comes out to close out the medley. Cut to Anna and Enrique. You can clearly lip read the following statements:
Anna---"Who is that?"
Enrique---"Shut up and look hot."
8:14 pm Straight from Miss Anastasia's dominatrix school, it's Britney Spears! Good God. Head to toe leather. One gets the impression Justin was never that naughty a boy, and now she's lettin' loose.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Dean Peters
"I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob." - Larry the Cucumber, Veggie Tales.
2 - Jim Treacher
Mother doesn't allow me to go to parties on Thursday night. Or any other night.
3 - Raspil
I also paid attention to the VMA's and posted my take -- out of the two hours I caught, Pink's drunken confession was the only high point for me. You were a lot more detailed than I would ever care to be. Way to go.
4 - Dicky Trickle
YOur commentary sucked harder than Justin Timberlakes fetid performance. And stop baggin' on Christina -- her rack is one for the ages
5 - Djk
Pretty funny review. I was hoping there would be a big three way brawl between Moby, Christina and Eminem, but that didn't happen. That's about the only thing that could have made the show worth watching. But you watched it for me, so I don't have to. Thanks!
6 - Ritch
Nice commentary---sounded like me and the boys except for the fixation on Shakira and Christina's rack: we were too speechless. I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who thought that the Guns N' Roses appearance, cool as it seemed at first, lost steam when Axel lost his energy and couldn't keep going at his initial pace.
Hey what are you going to do for the Oscars?
7 - Ken
You have to give credit to some of the performers for their attempts at music celebrity impersonations. The Hives lead singer as early Mick, P.Diddy's stirring tribute to Hammer, and Justin Timberlake's white boy version of vintage Michael Jackson.
8 - ryan
yes ken, just showing how few original ideas are really left. it was sort of a hig-gloss "star search" for a lot of the night.
the oscars??? hmmm....
9 - Marcy
Just a few things you forgot to address... Christina talking like she was straight from the hood even though we know she is a girl from the suburbs...
Eminem looking like an arse trying to start something w/ Moby...
Justin from American Idol jumping in the air to greet Randy with pants so tight you could see a little too much...
The best part of the night was M.J. accepting a non-existent award!! I enjoyed your insight...
10 - Shannon
Ryan: Oscar Night, my house...you heard it here first, y'all. Oscar party at bitter-girl's casa! Bostonites beware...
11 - Lex
That was incredible ... yes, this shows an overabundance of free time ... but nevertheless, incredible.
12 - Courtney
Funny review. I actually felt sorry for Axl, he looked awful and sounded even worst. I miss Slash, too. Christina was obviously vying for the "neathage" of the Millenium award, which of course Micheal Jackson accepted as well. Whenever in doubt, grab a shiny object and make a speech. CLASSIC. Britney looked awful as well. Kill many cows lately Brit? The only high point of the whole show was the White Stripes. Oh, how I love that Jack White. *swoon*
13 - Tatalalicious
Funny. Now I dont' have to watch. I love Christina btw. she was yum in that outfit.
14 - c.b.l.
what no busts on eminem? is everyone afraid of this guy? he looks like a little boy in the face, he sounds like he has nasal congestion, and women actually find this guy attractive. can i ask why? he has no cuts, obviously doesn't workout. he sucks!!!!!
15 - ryan
you know, a few people have asked me about this. to be honest, after nothing really happened between eminem and christina, i went to the bathroom, and missed the whole thing.
i didn't insert anything later because
1) it would ruin the whole project (spontaneous reaction to what i directly experienced)
2) enough media coverage took care of eminem anyways..
16 - j.m.d.
Acc. to NY Post Axl had plastic surgery a la Mickey Rourke. How bad was it?
17 - perv
britney, yea! christina, hellz yea! mary-kate and ashley...dear lord...i am going to hell...
18 - marc
Outstanding homage to Bill Simmons! The only thing missing was a reference to throwing up in your mouth and setting yourself on fire, other than that a reasonably fine facsimile of a SG Page Two column.
19 - ryan
homage is fine---direct blatant copying i kept to a minimum!
20 - Dana
Was it just me or did Axl's face look . . . wierd? I couldn't quite figure it out, as I was dog tired and only staying awake for GnR (!!!faded to ???) but something was wrong. Was it his teeth? And I'm of the unshakable opinion that those nifty little braids were attached to the bandanna, not Axl's head. Did you notice that when he did the post-show interview in the wings, his "hair" was crooked?
GnR sounded like a killer Guns n Roses cover band with a really crappy lead singer who just couldn't hit Axl's high notes. I was really let down, particularly as I was about as excited as Jimmy Fallon when I heard the first few notes.
21 - bhurn
I can't believe that you so blatantly plagerized Bill Simmons. At least you tipped your hat, but you stole his jokes and everything. Good job, no talent. Way to be almost as unoriginal as the Video Awards, themselves. Where do you rank on the Unintentional Loser Scale?
22 - ryan
my first hate mail! i've officially arrived.
23 - Mork
Well, I have to say that at first I got wildly excited upon seeing that Guns n Roses were performing but the disappointment set in once I saw that apparently Axl was performing with a member of the KKK (Buckethead) and had aged terribly. Mostly it was the hair and terrible sound that threw me off. But what really killed was that at the end everyone was all "It rocked!" but no, it didn't. MTV sucks. Good commentary though you bastard.
24 - mm
I just discovered your stream of consciousness postings...I laughed so hard I think I peed.
Much better than actually watching the program.
Hail, Ryan.
25 - Stacy
This was the funniest thing I've read in forever. I'm sitting in libary at the college and could not stop cracking up. Everone around me kept turning around and giving me the "this is a libary" look. Awesome review!!