In honor of "The Sports Guy," a writer for ESPN's website, I took a running diary of tonite. 7 handwritten pages of notes lay before me now. Please excuse the number of typos I am sure to make. I'll type 'til I pass out then take up the rest tommorow.
Without further ado:
7:25 p.m. They're interviewing Justin Timberlake for his big first solo performance. Justin is exemplifying a little known corollary of Newton's law of intertia, which states, "an object that fundamentally sucks will stay sucky for pretty much ever."
7:27 pm. The "pride of Canada," according to MTV, Avril Lavinge, is introduced to sing "Complicated." What a shocking song choice! Very daring. Her arm wear looks as if she watched both Judas Priest AND Pat Benetar as a kid. Who am I kidding? She wasn't even born when those two had videos.
7:28 pm Hey Avril, I want my tie back.
7:29 pm Was canada aware that Avril has been designated the personification of "Canadian pride"?
7:33 pm. No Doubt is being interviewed. Gwen Stefani is the first of about 18 guests in a row who clearly have no idea who is performing that night. Excellent.
7:34 pm. They pan to show the whole band, including the bassist, who until the day he dies will be know as "that schmuck who dumped Gwen Stefani".
7:36 pm. Avril's back, asks the crowd if they're "ready to rock." The crowd looks anxiously at their parents for permission to rock.
7:37 pm. She's performing "Sk8ter Boi" (actual spelling). Camera shows the crowd, who have that panicked "Wait, this isn't 'Complicated', what the heck?" look on their collective face. Camera cuts back to Avril quickly.
7:39 pm. MTV unbelievably goes to commerical mid-song. Canada ain't feeling so proud anymore, methinks. Somewhere in Ontario a "come see avril's country" campaign gets squashed. This is taking that TRL-, "take a video, show 18 seconds then move on" technique to a new low.
7:40 pm. If P. Diddy "invents the remix" with Bruce Springsteen so help me God I'll drive to NYC myself and "bust a cap", as the youth of America says...
7:42 pm Ok, I'll say it---I don't get the Reese Witherspoon thing. Just drawing a big shrug from me.
7:44 pm Who does John Norris have naked pictures of to still have a job with MTV? This guy is as hip as my grandmother after her surgery.
7:46 pm. I'll never stop snickering whenever I hear the words "Gideon Yago." Heh - makes me happy.
7:47 One of the dudes from Outkast stole the mesh shirt from Right Said Fred, spray painted it lesbian-purple, and STILL looks cooler than I ever could.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Dean Peters
"I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob." - Larry the Cucumber, Veggie Tales.
2 - Jim Treacher
Mother doesn't allow me to go to parties on Thursday night. Or any other night.
3 - Raspil
I also paid attention to the VMA's and posted my take -- out of the two hours I caught, Pink's drunken confession was the only high point for me. You were a lot more detailed than I would ever care to be. Way to go.
4 - Dicky Trickle
YOur commentary sucked harder than Justin Timberlakes fetid performance. And stop baggin' on Christina -- her rack is one for the ages
5 - Djk
Pretty funny review. I was hoping there would be a big three way brawl between Moby, Christina and Eminem, but that didn't happen. That's about the only thing that could have made the show worth watching. But you watched it for me, so I don't have to. Thanks!
6 - Ritch
Nice commentary---sounded like me and the boys except for the fixation on Shakira and Christina's rack: we were too speechless. I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who thought that the Guns N' Roses appearance, cool as it seemed at first, lost steam when Axel lost his energy and couldn't keep going at his initial pace.
Hey what are you going to do for the Oscars?
7 - Ken
You have to give credit to some of the performers for their attempts at music celebrity impersonations. The Hives lead singer as early Mick, P.Diddy's stirring tribute to Hammer, and Justin Timberlake's white boy version of vintage Michael Jackson.
8 - ryan
yes ken, just showing how few original ideas are really left. it was sort of a hig-gloss "star search" for a lot of the night.
the oscars??? hmmm....
9 - Marcy
Just a few things you forgot to address... Christina talking like she was straight from the hood even though we know she is a girl from the suburbs...
Eminem looking like an arse trying to start something w/ Moby...
Justin from American Idol jumping in the air to greet Randy with pants so tight you could see a little too much...
The best part of the night was M.J. accepting a non-existent award!! I enjoyed your insight...
10 - Shannon
Ryan: Oscar Night, my house...you heard it here first, y'all. Oscar party at bitter-girl's casa! Bostonites beware...
11 - Lex
That was incredible ... yes, this shows an overabundance of free time ... but nevertheless, incredible.
12 - Courtney
Funny review. I actually felt sorry for Axl, he looked awful and sounded even worst. I miss Slash, too. Christina was obviously vying for the "neathage" of the Millenium award, which of course Micheal Jackson accepted as well. Whenever in doubt, grab a shiny object and make a speech. CLASSIC. Britney looked awful as well. Kill many cows lately Brit? The only high point of the whole show was the White Stripes. Oh, how I love that Jack White. *swoon*
13 - Tatalalicious
Funny. Now I dont' have to watch. I love Christina btw. she was yum in that outfit.
14 - c.b.l.
what no busts on eminem? is everyone afraid of this guy? he looks like a little boy in the face, he sounds like he has nasal congestion, and women actually find this guy attractive. can i ask why? he has no cuts, obviously doesn't workout. he sucks!!!!!
15 - ryan
you know, a few people have asked me about this. to be honest, after nothing really happened between eminem and christina, i went to the bathroom, and missed the whole thing.
i didn't insert anything later because
1) it would ruin the whole project (spontaneous reaction to what i directly experienced)
2) enough media coverage took care of eminem anyways..
16 - j.m.d.
Acc. to NY Post Axl had plastic surgery a la Mickey Rourke. How bad was it?
17 - perv
britney, yea! christina, hellz yea! mary-kate and ashley...dear lord...i am going to hell...
18 - marc
Outstanding homage to Bill Simmons! The only thing missing was a reference to throwing up in your mouth and setting yourself on fire, other than that a reasonably fine facsimile of a SG Page Two column.
19 - ryan
homage is fine---direct blatant copying i kept to a minimum!
20 - Dana
Was it just me or did Axl's face look . . . wierd? I couldn't quite figure it out, as I was dog tired and only staying awake for GnR (!!!faded to ???) but something was wrong. Was it his teeth? And I'm of the unshakable opinion that those nifty little braids were attached to the bandanna, not Axl's head. Did you notice that when he did the post-show interview in the wings, his "hair" was crooked?
GnR sounded like a killer Guns n Roses cover band with a really crappy lead singer who just couldn't hit Axl's high notes. I was really let down, particularly as I was about as excited as Jimmy Fallon when I heard the first few notes.
21 - bhurn
I can't believe that you so blatantly plagerized Bill Simmons. At least you tipped your hat, but you stole his jokes and everything. Good job, no talent. Way to be almost as unoriginal as the Video Awards, themselves. Where do you rank on the Unintentional Loser Scale?
22 - ryan
my first hate mail! i've officially arrived.
23 - Mork
Well, I have to say that at first I got wildly excited upon seeing that Guns n Roses were performing but the disappointment set in once I saw that apparently Axl was performing with a member of the KKK (Buckethead) and had aged terribly. Mostly it was the hair and terrible sound that threw me off. But what really killed was that at the end everyone was all "It rocked!" but no, it didn't. MTV sucks. Good commentary though you bastard.
24 - mm
I just discovered your stream of consciousness postings...I laughed so hard I think I peed.
Much better than actually watching the program.
Hail, Ryan.
25 - Stacy
This was the funniest thing I've read in forever. I'm sitting in libary at the college and could not stop cracking up. Everone around me kept turning around and giving me the "this is a libary" look. Awesome review!!