Movie Review: Twilight (2008)

So let’s see. There’s this lonely girl named Bella (Kristen Stewart). She’s got deathly pale skin, few friends, and is in general kind of a total loner weirdo. She’s sexy in the kind of mopey, “Oh, please rescue me from this life of woe” way. There’s this lonely guy named Edward (Robert Pattinson). He’s got deathly pale skin, few friends, and is in general kind of a total loner weirdo. He’s sexy in the kind of broody, “I will stare holes into your forehead” way.

Bella’s starting at a new school since she just moved in with her dad Charlie (Billy Burke), following her mother’s remarriage. She doesn’t know anyone, but everyone seems to know her; all the local townsfolk regale her with stories of when she was four years old, and all of the schoolkids know her name without having been provided any kind of introduction ever before. She’s got all of these brand new friends hogging her attention, but the only one she connects with is, you guessed it, Edward: He’s the only one who shuns her, and appears so reviled by her that he dashes from the classroom and leaves for a week. Mmm. Hot.

Eventually, Edward returns, but his eyes have changed color, and now they’re bright flashy hazel! Bella almost gets run over by an out-of-control pick-up truck, but no! Edward jumps in at the last second and stops it! With his hand! He dashes away dramatically, and later claims that he had been standing right next to her instead of across the parking lot! He’s also never in direct sunlight and is never seen eating! All of the people he hangs out with are similarly pale and Hot Topic gothic chic! Could he be a vampire?!

To cut to the chase: Yes. Of course he is. For Bella to go half the movie without realizing this, she must’ve never seen any other vampire movie. Though to be fair, this isn’t much of a vampire movie itself. Edward’s clan, the Cullens, refer to themselves as vegetarians, only feeding off the blood of animals; he left school for a week because Bella’s blood smelled too good. Oh, and these vampires can go out in the sunlight, but when they do, they...sparkle like diamonds. Except what this means in the movie is that they look like they’ve been to a pep rally and were showered with glitter. The only rationale I can find behind this aspect of the mythology is that girls like glitter.

Article Author: Arlo J. Wiley

Arlo J. Wiley is an aspiring filmmaker who has a deep love of movies, music, television, and most other artforms. He is also totally obsessed with Joss Whedon and the Beatles. You kind of need to know that.

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