I should probably preface this snarky review by boldly proclaiming my absolute hatred of all dogs great and small. I loathe the mangy beasts with every inch of my geeky being, especially the ones that tend to bark and whine and wail during all hours of the night.
My hatred is not completely unjust. As a frail, brutally innocent little boy, I had the right side of my face savagely gnawed upon by the family canine, an event that has left me quite bitter towards and impossibly afraid of man's so-called best friend. If mutts can truly sense fear, my pores probably ooze pure sugary terror whenever one of those four-legged creatures happens across my path.
Naturally, one would assume that a glossy horror flick featuring dozens of blood-thirsty dogs would be an underwear-soiling experience for yours truly. You would, of course, be completely wrong in that assumption. While the events that unfold in the 2006 evil puppy thriller The Breed may have rattled my plucky chicken heart in the hands of someone capable of generating palpable suspense and fear, I'm proud to say that not a drop of human waste was found upon my person after viewing this lifeless direct-to-video snoozefest. Being an insufferable bore is the worst crime a horror movie could ever commit, which may help to explain why I'm ready and willing to slap this flick with the death penalty.
Don't worry, dear readers — The Breed won't feel a thing. I promise.
The story concerns itself greatly with the trials and tribulations of a group of everyday twenty-somethings who decide to spend some much-needed quality time on a secluded island in the middle of nowhere. As socially responsible men and women usually do in situations not unlike this, our jovial gaggle of blemish-free characters spend way too much time ingesting alcohol, lounging by the lake, and trying to figure out if Michelle Rodriguez is actually an underground Latino boxer in drag. I say boxer because I'm pretty sure he/she could lay me out with one solid right hook to the ol' kisser. And when I say pretty sure, I mean definitely.
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