Do you know what I want for Christmas this year, dear readers? A big, bald, robotic version of Mario Van Peebles to call my very own. I think it would be the ideal present, seeing as how we could be so good for one another. I could teach him everything I know about humanity — which, I might add, is admittedly very little — and he could help save my oppressed village from being savagely butchered by a loose collective of well-armed gunmen.
I know this seems rather extravagant and a bit self-centered, but I think it makes perfect sense. All of my gift-giving peeps from around the way should exchange telephone numbers in order to properly organize the purchase of my very own big, bald, robotic Mario Van Peebles. Be sure to buy extra power packs for stocking stuffers.
I can't wait to see what he looks like under the Christmas tree!
In the meantime, I'll just waste countless sunny summer Sunday afternoons watching Norberto Barba's 1996 action epic Solo over and over again until my eyes bleed motor oil. It's not that I think the film is particularly good, mind you, but I do feel it has something to offer those who feel they are living "under the gun," so to speak. Maybe if you pray hard enough to whatever God or Goddess is lurking behind those ominous gray clouds overhead, He or She will deliver a bald African-American cyborg to save you from the trials and tribulations of Third World life. If your very own military-funded bodyguard fails to materialize after at least three weeks, then I guess your deity just doesn't love you any more. Sorry about that.
Solo is a fable of sorts, a mythological bedtime story for those who love wooden acting and lots of manly explosions. The legendary Mario Van Peebles stars as the titular character, a manufactured bad-ass who gets kind of moody whenever he has to blow people to smithereens. After learning that he's to be sent back to the lab for some emotional retooling, our hero boards a chopper and flies it directly into a nearby mountain, much to the dismay of Barry Corbin, William Sadler, and a young Adrien Brody. Watching your billion-dollar bouncer commit suicide isn't the happiest day you'll ever experience. Trust me on this one, okay?
Article comments
1 - Daniel Woolstencroft
Believe it or not, this is actually based on a novel. It's a good one too, a thoroughly enjoyable read.
And you're right; it's a cracking idea for a series.
2 - sean Paul Mahoney
This sounds hilarious! I'm putting it on my Netflix list!
3 - Kaonashi
How do you not want to hurt small animals after watching crap like this every week?
Brilliant write-up once again!