While maybe 30 percent of the film is Clark Kent-affiliated, the rest acts as some aborted foetus long cast off by George Lucas, the shame hanging off his beard. “It only wants to be loved,” shouts I, but he turns his head in disgust, not daring to look upon that bloody mound of flesh sitting humbly on the hardwood. The film seems to owe its existence to Mr Lucasfilm in a plethora of ways. Skeletor runs around various sets looking like a calcified Darth Vader; with black cape and menacing demeanour he misses few of the Vader tick-boxes. Skeletor’s lair is his own personal star destroyer, manned by inconsequential little peons and the occasional henchperson. I say henchperson because, of course, there is Evil Lyn always on hand. You’ll be pleased to note that Terrible Maggie and Nasty Patricia were contenders for that spot.
But back to debunking Masters of the Universe; if only all those Dan Brown-consumed bores learned to quit wasting their time debunking things that, to me, look quite bunk as it is. Skeletor is not only a second-rate Darth Vader; he also plays a mean Emperor. Like the crinkled Palpatine, Skeletor can fire off wobbly bursts of lightning from his hands, only his are a nice shade of pink. Following a gruelling session of pugilism, He-Man chucks Skeletor down an infinite pit in a frame-by-frame replay of Return of the Jedi, except with more sweaty Dolph-pits.
There may be the eradicable malodour of films past dripping recklessly over each camera angle and diegetic musical interlude, but all is not lost, there is plenty to carve out a hollow in the side your brain that lusts for technicolour festivity. First you have the monosyllabic thespian duties of Lundgren, the rambunctious grins, and floppy blonde locks. True, Lundgren will only really come into a place where he can compete with the Van Dammes and Seagals of this planet when he comes accessorised with black hair, ala The Punisher and I Come In Peace. Still, this gallops around at a decent meteorological level. Then there’s that bit where the Eternians first find themselves on our celestial blob; out in some forest they gather themselves together only to encounter a cow. Now I don’t know how many cows wonder the forests of America these days, perhaps this was an '80s phenomenon that passed me by.
Article comments
1 - Mat Brewster
I saw the title and thought surely Sir Fleming isn't reviewing that little He-Man picture. Why would I doubt thee? Twas a glorious screed.
I always loved the opening credits to the cartoon where He-Man jumped from somewhere, landing and then tossed his sword from hand to hand. Oh how many times I immitated that little move.
I hope Dolph gets the power back soon. I need him. We need him. the world needs him.
2 - Aaron Fleming
Matt, I forgot to mention it but they are actually making a new He-Man flick, with no less than John Woo at the helm. Stupidly there is no Lundgren attached as yet, chances are they'll get some Dolph-wannabe like Vin Diesel or The Rock. Tut indeed tut.
Thank you anyway.
3 - Mary K. Williams
aww, this was great Sir Fleming. Really great. Never saw the movie - but is always fun to read your take on things..
“It only wants to be loved,” shouts I, but he turns his head in disgust, not daring to look upon that bloody mound of flesh sitting humbly on the hardwood
and this part was stellar too..
I guess in Eternia they get their meat from foliage, or maybe it grows on the undersides of rocks.
Excellent!
4 - Dynamo of Eternia
Ah, the imfamous MOTU movie. The scourge of the He-man fan.
I am a pretty big He-man fan, incase you couldn't tell by the name "Dynamo of Eternia". I've been collecting the DVD sets of the old cartoon series that have been coming out, I recorded all of the episodes of the newer series that started in 2002 (and ended in early 2004), and I collected most of the new figures from the new series (and I am also collecting the new mini-statues that are still currently coming out, which are a quasi-continuation of the toy line for collectors). I also frequent the message boards at He-man.org under the same name that I am posting under here, and I just recently joined up with a group of He-man fans in my area known as 'The Chicago Horde'(referecing the Evil Horde who were villains on She-ra and toys from the MOTU line).
Having said all that, yeah, this movie was rather a disapointment. It just missed the mark on many levels.
I understand that they were bound by the limitations of the technology at the time this was made and all (which is why the replaced Orko, who would have had to float the whole time, with Gwildor). It would have been nice to have at least started the movie with Prince Adam transforming into He-man. It probably would have looked kinda cheesey, but I'm sure they could have pulled it off to some degree if they had tried.
And the characters were pretty far off from their cartoon counterparts. Skeletor was more of a Darth Vader/Emperor combo. He was much closer to that than he was the Skeletor of the cartoon series. And plus he had a large number of storm trooper-like warriors at his disposal, which he never had on the show.
Lundgren's portrayal of He-man was pretty flat, too. And don't even get me started on the design of Castle Grayskull.
The movie does have a few good moments here and there, but all-in-all it just missed the mark quite a bit.
Despite all of that, though, here are some little interesting facts. Courtney Cox is not the only "Friends" related actress to be in this movie. Christina Pickles, who played Courtney Cox's character's Mom on "Friends" also plays the Sorceress in this movie.
Also, the Superman references in this article are very interesting considering that Frank Langella, the actor who played Skeletor, is playing Perry White in Superman Returns.
I would love to see a newer, modern, more well-done movie happen at some point. Unfortunately nothing is definately in production yet. The whole idea of a new movie with John Woo involved really hasn't gotten much past the "it's something that we are 'kicking' around the office" phase. As far as I know, nothing is certain at this point as to when or if this movie will get made, and if John Woo will still be involved if it does. If it does happen, I hope they get someone better than Dolph to play the character this time around. He just wasn't that great at all.
5 - Duke De Mondo
Wonderful, Sir Fleming! So many chunks o' giggle flung screenwards, particularly at that opening paragraph and those meat discussions!
I haven't seen this in an age. It's high time it got a re-watching.
6 - Aaron Fleming
Mary and Duke, much thanks.
Dynamo of Eternia, I should hire you as my He-Man consulatant! I agree the limitations ran rampant over the movie, how I would love to have seen Orko or Battlecat exchanging sneers with Lundgren. This new one'll undoubtedly have a spattering of those characters anyway. And thanks for the update on that project-in-development.
7 - Matt Paprocki
"I hope Dolph gets the power back soon. I need him. We need him. the world needs him."
The world needs Ivan Drago. Drago would kick He-Mans ass.
Assuming Lundgren could fight himself of course.
8 - Mat Brewster
Lundgren could kick his own ass, and still be the better man for it.