During the '80s, He-Man awed millions of children; how their eyes dazzled when that blonde muscle-bound titan took his rightful place in the centre of the plastic box. It may have been created to sell a few dozen toys, but we didn’t care, all we knew was that this altruistic prince was an archetype of the very adults we wanted to evolve into. However it rarely transpired that way – I once knew a guy tried to ride his tabby down the avenue, sword grasped in victorious pose, and shackles of rubber covering his nipples. Well, little Stevie Smith died that day, and the town turned its back on the fables of Eternia for the rest of the summer.
In 1987 the water broke and out lunged the movie version of the He-Man mythos; it went by the epic title of Masters of the Universe. With a set of primary colours at his fingertips, director Gary Goddard assembled one of the highlights of a decade rife with cancerous synth pop and crayoned corporate logos. Chosen for the fateful role was none other than the man who killed Apollo Creed in Rocky Fights Communism, the delectable Dolph Lundgren.
The film has our heroes - He-Man, his buddy Man-At-Arms, and the wide-grinned Teela - finding themselves transported from their abode in Eternia to our burger-filled cesspit of Earth. This time the psychedelic rip in the continuum is caused by a musical contraption worked by the impish Gwildor. Their adversary Skeletor wants that very machine, supposedly to set up his own hair metal band, and so he gets to work gradually sending his cronies through that tie-dye chasm. Unexpectedly our heroes misplace the instrument, and it falls into the youthful hands of Courtney Cox, ya know, her from that show featuring that girl with the hair. Anyway, people and hairy beasts collide, and battles ignite over who has The Power.
Masters of the Universe begins with a loving tribute to Superman, as it utilises musical hand-me-downs from big daddy John Williams. That, plus the globular spattering of blue glow set to a space background, led me to expect at least one son of Krypton to warble out of someone’s spandex. Closest we got was Lundgren floating around town on a flying body-board. And not once did he extend his arms out in spontaneous homage to DC’s yardstick.
Article comments
1 - Mat Brewster
I saw the title and thought surely Sir Fleming isn't reviewing that little He-Man picture. Why would I doubt thee? Twas a glorious screed.
I always loved the opening credits to the cartoon where He-Man jumped from somewhere, landing and then tossed his sword from hand to hand. Oh how many times I immitated that little move.
I hope Dolph gets the power back soon. I need him. We need him. the world needs him.
2 - Aaron Fleming
Matt, I forgot to mention it but they are actually making a new He-Man flick, with no less than John Woo at the helm. Stupidly there is no Lundgren attached as yet, chances are they'll get some Dolph-wannabe like Vin Diesel or The Rock. Tut indeed tut.
Thank you anyway.
3 - Mary K. Williams
aww, this was great Sir Fleming. Really great. Never saw the movie - but is always fun to read your take on things..
“It only wants to be loved,” shouts I, but he turns his head in disgust, not daring to look upon that bloody mound of flesh sitting humbly on the hardwood
and this part was stellar too..
I guess in Eternia they get their meat from foliage, or maybe it grows on the undersides of rocks.
Excellent!
4 - Dynamo of Eternia
Ah, the imfamous MOTU movie. The scourge of the He-man fan.
I am a pretty big He-man fan, incase you couldn't tell by the name "Dynamo of Eternia". I've been collecting the DVD sets of the old cartoon series that have been coming out, I recorded all of the episodes of the newer series that started in 2002 (and ended in early 2004), and I collected most of the new figures from the new series (and I am also collecting the new mini-statues that are still currently coming out, which are a quasi-continuation of the toy line for collectors). I also frequent the message boards at He-man.org under the same name that I am posting under here, and I just recently joined up with a group of He-man fans in my area known as 'The Chicago Horde'(referecing the Evil Horde who were villains on She-ra and toys from the MOTU line).
Having said all that, yeah, this movie was rather a disapointment. It just missed the mark on many levels.
I understand that they were bound by the limitations of the technology at the time this was made and all (which is why the replaced Orko, who would have had to float the whole time, with Gwildor). It would have been nice to have at least started the movie with Prince Adam transforming into He-man. It probably would have looked kinda cheesey, but I'm sure they could have pulled it off to some degree if they had tried.
And the characters were pretty far off from their cartoon counterparts. Skeletor was more of a Darth Vader/Emperor combo. He was much closer to that than he was the Skeletor of the cartoon series. And plus he had a large number of storm trooper-like warriors at his disposal, which he never had on the show.
Lundgren's portrayal of He-man was pretty flat, too. And don't even get me started on the design of Castle Grayskull.
The movie does have a few good moments here and there, but all-in-all it just missed the mark quite a bit.
Despite all of that, though, here are some little interesting facts. Courtney Cox is not the only "Friends" related actress to be in this movie. Christina Pickles, who played Courtney Cox's character's Mom on "Friends" also plays the Sorceress in this movie.
Also, the Superman references in this article are very interesting considering that Frank Langella, the actor who played Skeletor, is playing Perry White in Superman Returns.
I would love to see a newer, modern, more well-done movie happen at some point. Unfortunately nothing is definately in production yet. The whole idea of a new movie with John Woo involved really hasn't gotten much past the "it's something that we are 'kicking' around the office" phase. As far as I know, nothing is certain at this point as to when or if this movie will get made, and if John Woo will still be involved if it does. If it does happen, I hope they get someone better than Dolph to play the character this time around. He just wasn't that great at all.
5 - Duke De Mondo
Wonderful, Sir Fleming! So many chunks o' giggle flung screenwards, particularly at that opening paragraph and those meat discussions!
I haven't seen this in an age. It's high time it got a re-watching.
6 - Aaron Fleming
Mary and Duke, much thanks.
Dynamo of Eternia, I should hire you as my He-Man consulatant! I agree the limitations ran rampant over the movie, how I would love to have seen Orko or Battlecat exchanging sneers with Lundgren. This new one'll undoubtedly have a spattering of those characters anyway. And thanks for the update on that project-in-development.
7 - Matt Paprocki
"I hope Dolph gets the power back soon. I need him. We need him. the world needs him."
The world needs Ivan Drago. Drago would kick He-Mans ass.
Assuming Lundgren could fight himself of course.
8 - Mat Brewster
Lundgren could kick his own ass, and still be the better man for it.