Every so often I encounter a film that can only be described by one word: excremental. Just Married is the latest film to have earned that honour, but there is room for merriment for it shall likely not be the last. This 2003 Ashton Kutcher vehicle was running on the music video channel because that’s what all music video channels do these days — they play bad movies aimed at the pre-teen to teen demographic.
Just Married, directed by Shawn Levy, ties perfectly into that precious demographic and captivates the doe-eyed individuals with Kutcher’s sycophantic looks and senseless countenance. Somehow Mr. Kutcher has become a star among this group of ignorant young people and Just Married aims to exploit this capitulation of good sense for about 90 minutes.
It’s no wonder that Just Married trotted its idiotic wares out to audiences in January of 2003, for that’s usually the time that film studios dump their dead weight. This year is no exception, of course. Behold Jessica Alba’s The Eye or Fool’s Gold or Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins or Meet the Spartans or 27 Dresses. I think you get my drift. So it stands to reason that the Mensa members at Twentieth Century Fox should drop this one on audiences in January and that it should live on in syndication hell on MTV and other similar “kiddie” networks for years to come. The sadomasochist in me, then, decided watching this one would be a good idea.
Kutcher stars as Tom Leezak, a brainless and witless young man with rage issues that are emphasized with humorous glee. Consider him a sort of Adam Sandler lite. Leezak and Sarah McNerny (Brittany Murphy) are coming back from their honeymoon in Europe and are verbally abusing one another. Obviously the relationship is in shambles and we are about to find out why (yippee!).