"Hello, John."
"What? Who's that?" I shook the sleep away. It was 2:30 in the morning. I had dragged my butt back from watching the midnight showing of Saw III, and was fighting sleep to write an early review of it.
"Let's play a game."
"Who's talking to me?" I asked.
A squeaking sound came from the dark corner of my attic office. A tricycle slowly rolled into the circle of sparse light that illuminated my desk. It was Papa Smurf.
"I am Jigsaw. Your life is an empty shell."
"You're not Jigsaw! You're Papa Smurf!" I cried, frantically pinching my hand to wake up.
"I am..."
"You're Papa Smurf with large red targets painted on his beard." I pinched harder.
"I am here to help you face your fears. Of course, you may die in an extremely painful and gory way, but you will thank me in the end. If you survive."
"Okay, look, when Iloz Zoc said I needed to cover these midnight showings while he's away, he didn't mention sh*t like this." I gave up on pinching my hand. "Okay, I'll bite. What's the game?"
"Look at you: you are tired, overworked, and barely notice the richness of life around you. Your entire existence is now focused on only one thing. Blogging. How sad. To lose the gift of MySpace, of Yahoo Messenger, and yes, even the gift of World of Warcraft, just so you can type away on that cold, hard laptop keyboard.
"Click, click, click, all day and well into the night. For what? You have lost touch with your inner self, John, and those most important around you. I will help you find the way back -- did I mention you may die horribly like a twisted pretzel, or maybe a ribcage deboner would be visually cool -- back to your life that is waiting patiently for you, and the loved ones that miss you."
"Er, what's the catch?" I asked.
"The game is simple. Write the review. If I like it, you will live, and have fame and fortune. If I don't like it, you will make like a corkscrew and go pop in a shower of crimson. Make your choice."
Article comments
1 - gonzo marx
once again..a most excellent and entertaining Review!
so much more Fun hearing about the denizens of the Zombos' manor while getting the dirt on a flick
/golfclap
i give this review 4 severed heads!
i guess i should rent the first two Saw flicks now, then go see the new one...
that shoudl make for a fun day
heh
Excelsior?
2 - Iloz Zoc
Thanks gm! The gang is coming back with a vengeance in time for Halloween. Definitely a good idea to rent 1 and 2. They lead up to the carnage in 3. And Amanda is one hot psychopath not to miss.
3 - Triniman
Great review! I skipped through some of it since I haven't seen 2 or 3, but I will do so eventually.
4 - Iloz Zoc
Thanks Triniman. I look forward to a Lionsgate DVD release with all three films. Watching them back to back would be a super evening of fright.
5 - Mat Brewster
Why do I feel like your review will be better than the actual flick? Why do I know that no matter how many of these silly films they make I'll keep watching them?
Great stuff, Sir Zoc.
6 - Iloz Zoc
Hey Mat, thanks! I'm on the fence when it comes to cinema of the helpless grisly torture and death stuff. It's a little too close to reality for me, but this is horror, and anything is fair game. Now with the Hostel franchise kicking into steam, I fear we'll be seeing much more of this type of line-em up, chop-em down cinema.
I rather the supernatural vampire, ghost or creepy bump in the night story. At least you know those stories can never come true. So far, anyway:)
7 - Lisa McKay
Congratulations! This review has been chosen as an editor's pick this week!
8 - Iloz Zoc
Damn, the bribe worked!
9 - ben
dude awesome review can i use it for an assignment at school. its for the power of language and we can do it on movie reviews, that was a great review anyway. have u done other reviews?
10 - Iloz Zoc
Hi Ben,
Thanks! Sure, I'd be honored. Just tell your class that they must visit my site, or I will send that annoying puppet there way.
11 - Jet in Columbus
An enjoyable read, I hadn't conidered this genra before but you make it very interesting
Jet
12 - tyler
It was really great but very scary
13 - ILoz Zoc
Hi Tyler,
Yes, I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. That last twister device was quite scary indeed. I think the helplessness of being trapped in one of those contraptions really adds to the fear.