He’s so taken aback by the sheer crumminess of the Escalade in partcular, which literally disintegrated during the challenge, that he sets up a fishtank test between a Lincoln Town Car and a Jaguar XJ6, a car he describes as one made by a bunch of “Communists in the Midlands”, so badly made is it. The quest here is to see which shoddily made car can retain the most liquid if you drilled a hole on top and filled it full of water. The Lincoln refuses the contest point-blank – everything leaks out faster than they can put it in.
So, “America is losing everything”, and even the heart of Jeremy Clarkson is wrung. He decides to hand them a break: “Let’s look at straight line speed.” The candidate is a Chrysler 300C SRT8. “It’s a modern, road burning muscle car,” he notes. Alas, none of its muscle kept it from keening over in front of a… BMW M5? The video (below) is proof.
Hell, the Americans can’t even get the sound of the engine right. The Europeans don’t just make racing sounds – they have a bloody symphony going. Picture Jeremy ‘Petrolhead’ Clarkson in ecstasy, strumming an imaginary engine as a random European car races around a track.
Whatever. Now comes the most expensive sports car America has ever made – the Cadillac XLR-V. It’s stunning looking, fast and powerful. It’s also “fairly sophisticated” and a bit of a bargain compared to similar models put out by the likes of Mercedes Benz. “On paper it looks amazing… and it is. Amazingly awful.” He hates everything about it, even the European stuff they put on it. Now that is bad. “It is foul,” Clarkson corrects, because he must always have the last word.
He’s so depressed, he has to cheer himself up by tearing a 1994 Buick Park Avenue (“I would rather go on a bus than drive a car like this”) apart with a pair of giant secateurs wielded by a seemingly bovine American and his friends. They slowly and methodically chew their way through some indistinguishable food just as the machine chews up the Buick. And no, I didn’t mind that anvil dropping on my head. Not at all.
But all this is merely leading up to the ultimate horror – pickup trucks. “It’s a Dodge Ram and it looks good – if you’re nine.” It’s not even a car, as classified by the American government, he says, and has apparently achieved about the same level of engineering as an early 19th century covered wagon. But that’s all right, he tells us, because when the time comes for you to marry your sister you can just load a leaf blower, a cement mixer and a barbecue set in the back and you’ll be set. “What?” he drawls. “She’s awful purty and comes from good stock.” Oh, shut up.
Article comments
1 - Dan Mosqueda
I love Top Gear. I was offended initially by Clarkson and he went way over the top in getting his point across. But the take-away is two-fold:
1. Throw away society - this means US consumers don't generally demand much. Billy Bob will drive his pick-up a few years and than wants another one.
2. Our engineers (and more than the likely their bean-counter masters over them) either can't or won't engineer a good car. Obviously it's NOT American workers since BMW and Mercedes build the majority of their SUVs and even some sports cars in America. Also Toyota exports Avalons and Sequoias made in America. So, it's the guys WAY back at the drawing board not bothering to put that extra effort to make our cars compare to those of Europe.
Of course the Prius isn't American. I wouldn't own one, but there is no denying the economics of owning one now. It's not a performance car and doesn't pretend to be. I wish EVERYONE drove on because than gas prices would finally go down.
So, Jeremy, enjoy America. Our food and coffee puts UK food to shame. Try not drinking coffee in styrofoam mate, get it at one of millions of cafes like the Colorado Coffee Merchants (www.coloradocoffeemerchants.com). Our cars are ok. They should be much, much better. If we put our mind to it, we could shame Mercedes and BMW and absolutely trounce anything put of England, but we're pretty content, apparently, cranking out 10 million cars and selling them knowing they'll be cast aside in a few years.
2 - Eric
What's been killing American automobile quality is the UAW. Unions KILL businesses; make no mistake: they tear a company apart from the inside out. Look at the Chrysler/Chevrolet merger. They're doing it because the unions have disemboweled them. Ford is better off than they are, but I'm guessing it's not by much.
I would NEVER allow a union to take over my company. I'd fire every one of those bastards and replace them with people who just want to help grow a company in the fiscally healthiest way possible. Unions are selfish, greedy & corrupt. If not for this government 'bailout', every one of those union bloodsuckers would be permanently out of a job.
Chrysler and Chevy both would go completely under. And it would have been because both companies ALLOWED the unions to take them down. The unions would have done it to themselves and they'd blame anyone else they could think of because if they can't pull in $40+/hour, then someone else has to be to blame. They should be making a quarter of what they are now.
3 - cliff2003
hmmm clarkson does rub things in a bit,1 thing being in the states for 1 yr is they have a strange charisma on cars, usually boring like there roads
4 - cliff2003
oh should be quiet on last comment, as most americans come originate from europe silly me, maybe they need to take a trip back or learn from the Japanese. yes USA is the best in the world but most of their stuff comes from China??? Even levis made in mexico along with millions of flags out side there houses now come on!!!
5 - cliff2003
americans are just cowboys!!! take a look at West virginia etc imagine them making a car in that state no wonder the amish ride horse and buggy LOL in nearer states scared of the consequences in the future!
6 - Transatlantic
cliff2003....shut up already.
Your posts are about as accurate as your grammar.
As for this movie, Clarkson pretty well sums everything up in his opening lines. He hated everything before he even tried it. Clarkson's sharp single-minded personality really kills him as car reviewer, and his tests are pretty laughable as well.
By the way....anybody who thinks they can trick the viewers with a V6 Mustang and call it a V8 doesn't deserve to review cars.