Stand aside Michael Bay, Stephen Sommers is officially the new king of 'splosions!
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not so much a movie as it is a two-hour long sizzle reel for Nerf Accessories. It's a non-stop barrage of cheesy gadgets and totally absurd technology, which is usually fine. Even in Bond films they have some crazy stuff. But here it's so silly that it's virtually impossible to take it seriously enough to care.
Well, is it at least fun? Moderately, yes. I wish I could tell you to shut your brain off and just sit back and have fun, which I am very good at doing. But this... phew! This is some other new level of ridiculous. This is the next generation of ridiculous. Even movies like Shoot 'em Up, that are clearly supposed to be over-the-top and balls-out stupid, are far more engaging than this. Rise of Cobra has its moments, but, sadly, nothing more than moments.
Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are among its only redeeming qualities and their fight scenes together are always cut short right at the moment you begin to feel invested in them. And this goes for just about everything else. The film is in so much of a hurry that the scenes/shots aren't long enough for you to escape in. I can let myself sink into the dumbest of movies, believe it, but it almost felt like Sommers never wanted you to. It's like they took three good movies and smashed them together into one two-hour long trailer.
Well, is the action at least cool? Sometimes, but more often downright goofy. The first half of the first action scene was way awesome. I thought, "Hell, this is going to be better than I thought!" Then they use that same scene to introduce three quarters of the cast in less than two minutes, therefore killing any chance at great heroic reveals or any sense of intrigue.