You are in a dark and cavernous room. You are standing immobile; the only feeling is of sand nuzzling sensuously into the recesses of your bare toes. A painting of the grinning clichés of Egyptian mythology graces every grain. You look up and see the ceiling, tessellated with the eroded logos of Capcom and Namco. A pernicious wind swoops over your head, leaving behind the aural residue of pseudo-kung-fu. You glance forward and notice outcroppings ahead, tumours afflicting the room’s sidewalls. A quick sniff of the miasma being emitted from the darkness to your rear and you move forward.
A few tentative steps and a vision of horror arrives from the wayside, a tumultuous greeting card signed by a phantasma hiding in the shadows. It is an apparition of a beret-wearing Van Damme, limbs and sneers akimbo in an almighty and seemingly inviting pose. But the reassuring and vivacious imagery is soon disseminated by the materialisation of a demonic film critic, before any invitation can be answered. The haggard-faced critic wastes no time compressing the fighting stance of Van Damme into a shrink-wrapped salute to its own pretentious omniscience. It then casts the plastic-asphyxiated doleful of invisible boats and posthumous dedications into the void beyond.
You block out the dreadful execution and move forward another few paces. Here another vision. This time the stumpy legs of Bob Hoskins blur into the reptilian features of Blue Velvet, all set against a backdrop of plumbery fungi with welcoming hand-signals. The festivity is sliced short by another vengeful film critic, this time brandishing a portrait of Ebert’s egregiousness. Emotionless and relentless, the critic wastes few seconds in his annihilation of the merry state that once was.
With the nightmarish vapour causing you to wretch, you bend over and begin to cough up chunks of sputum. While doing this you hear an interlude of midi-beeps and arthritic thumbs. Looking up you see a glow in the darkness ahead. Standing, you briskly motion nearer to it. Once in its fallout zone, another vision smacks you in the jaw. This time it’s of a martial artistic dyad, the wallpaper of combat lining its extremities. A waving face, anonymous yet familiar, ushers you towards a swirling vortex, whilst out of the sharp angles of your eye smokes up another vile film critic. Before musing deliberations into a death of more circumlocutions, you take a leap into the maelstrom.
Article comments
1 - Mat Brewster
You simply must do the Super Mario Bros. movie next.
Hmmm, I think I'm off to play Double Dragon on my nintendo emulator.
2 - Duke De Mondo
"Such are their names written in every stone and shingle, a direct citation need not be gifted"
hahaha! there was so much i wanted to copy and paste in this.. those distant eyes looking towards 1997, the breakdown of a good dystopia, line after line of golden word-slingery. in the end, i went for that one.
marvellous, as ever.
3 - Steve C.
Your innards are familiar with Fulci, are they?
4 - Aaron Fleming
Thanks Mat and Duke!
Steve, my innards do indeed waft with the sounds of Fulci on occassion. Not too sure how you picked that up from this though - adbsent of Fulci references as it is.
5 - phyliss springfield
Mark is not a sub ANYTHING!! You may be sub-human. I don't care if personal attacks are not
allowed I just hope you read this! Who are you
to insult anyone? Your a geek with no life who
needs to put down people to make yourself feel
better. You're the loser an Mark could kick
Brandon's butt any day of the week if the moron
hadn't blown himself away.
6 - Aaron Fleming
Aww c'mon Phyliss, I was only teasing, like you would tease a close friend. We're actually kindred spirits me and Mark.
And I'm quite proud of my lack of a life thank you.
7 - Steve C.
Occupational hazard - the instant I hear someone talk about vomiting up their internal organs (from laughter, boredom, whatever), my mind traipses back to that poor girl from City of the Living Dead. Then I think about that poor guy sitting next to her. Then I realize that poor guy was Michele Soavi and think, "Hey, what the fuck ever happened to him?"
8 - Aaron Fleming
Haha, never once did that cross my mind. I assume you're talking about that unpleasantness in the car, a great scene for sure. Ya can't beat old Lucio, especially teamed with the lovely Catriona MacColl!
9 - Bruce Darren Acosta
Double Dragon is a crap movie, worst cast ever.
Robert Patrick has a lead role as a evil villain Koga Shuko is bad,Mark Dacascos and Scott Wolf have the worst characters as Jimmy and Billy Lee.
Bad movie man.
BRUCE ACOSTA