What do you get when you mix action director Cory Yuen's kinetic style with Eric Roberts, Jamie Pressly, Kane Kosugi, that goober from Reba McEntire's oddly addicting sitcom, and a gaggle of wannabe martial artists in pretty little thongs?
Why, you get something along the lines of DOA: Dead or Alive, of course! In case you're not into the whole nerd-addled video game scene, this snazzy yet impossibly retarded little flick is based on the pixilated franchise of the same name, which ultimately boils down to a series of tournament fights featuring lots of well-endowed beauties beating each other into glorious submission. You know you want to play it.
Go on — admit it.
As your perverted mind can probably imagine, this cinematic adaptation isn't exactly a deep, meaningful experience you can share with your entire underdeveloped family. Though I'm not a fan of tournament movies by any means — I can barely sit through Bloodsport — DOA somehow managed to keep me watching until the very end. Since the story boils down to a handful of women with their own personal agendas venturing to some exotic island to throw-down with a cast of colorful characters, it definitely wasn't the plot that kept me intrigued. Imagine that.
So was it the witty dialog that kept me glued to the screen? The deep characterization? Or perhaps it was the plethora of butt shots inspired by the randy source material? Sorry, Charlie. None of those. The only reason I decided to sally forth until the film's extravagant conclusion was due to the presence of Corey Yuen, an absurdist Hong Kong director who has kept me coming back for more since witnessing the outrageous stupidity contained within the Jet Li opus High Risk, also known as Meltdown here in the States. Yes, dear readers, I'm that kind of geek.
Since the script is barely a paragraph long and the plot is lost at sea without hope of survival, the only thing you're here for is either the action or the ass, though you might be able to claim both on your 2007 tax returns next year. And while there are a jagged pieces of a story buried deep within the gloss — something about a blonde thief and her bozo boyfriend scheming to steal the prize money, a vengeful princess looking for her brother, and a female wrestler desperate to prove her worth — I'm almost positive you won't care too much about it. Trust me on this one.
Article comments
1 - Ken Edwards
Nice job on the review. I am quite surprised it actually made it to theaters.
2 - T. Rigney
Thanks for the kind words. I'm very surprised this made it to theaters, as well, especially considering I've had the Region 3 DVD since late last year.