Movie Review: Crank

In a cinematic wasteland stuffed to overflowing with pretty wannabe action heroes dangling from invisible wires, hunky Brit Jason Statham appears to be the real deal. Regardless of whether you think the man is talented or not, you have to admit that his overdriven, over-the-top star vehicles are amongst the best action pictures on the market today. Whether he's spin kicking goons while covered in motor oil or fighting half-naked nurses in a burning doctor's office, Statham is quite possibly Hollywood's last action hero. I predict a lucrative direct-to-video career in about ten years or so.

I'm kidding, of course. Statham is seemingly here to stay, and that's a-okay with me. While his recent adventure lacks the martial arts mayhem of his previous efforts, the appropriately-titled Crank is by far the big guy's best picture thus far. At a breezy and respectable 87 minutes, this high-octane ball-buster is extremely top-heavy on wild thrills and jaw-dropping theatrics, leaving little room for a touching, sensitive storyline. No, this rabid poo-flinging monkey of an action flick kicks into high gear as soon as its gimmicky title card pops on-screen, literally thrusting you into the mayhem before you have a chance to get to know any of the paper-thin characters by name. Then again, do we really care? I thought not.

In case you're one of the few who needs some sort of concrete foundation on which to build your stylized action picture experience, I'll run through the setup for you. Statham stars as Chev Chelios, a no-nonsense hitman for some faceless west coast crime syndicate. It seems that his for-hire disposal of a prominent Hong Kong figurehead has caused some serious waves throughout the underworld.

The result: A sinister drug has been injected into Chev's bloodstream, one that will slowly and very painfully send him to an early grave. After a quick phone call to his flaky physician (Dwight Yoakam), Chev discovers that as long as he keeps his adrenaline pumping, his chances of survival greatly increase. So begins our hero's non-stop rampage of sex, violence, and drug use as he burns a blazing trail of death and destruction right to the doorstep of the heartless thug who poisoned him.

Article Author: T. Rigney

T. Rigney was specifically designed for the mass consumption of B-grade cinema from around the world. His roughly translated thoughts and feelings can be found lurking suspiciously at The Film Fiend, Fatally Yours, and Film Threat. …

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