Congratulations, everyone, the summer blockbuster season is open. With the record beating The Avengers and the upcoming (much anticipated) Men in Black III, the season of loud, somewhat funny, somewhat idiotic macho movies is officially open. One can say Safe was the official opener, abound with unrealistic kicks, jumps and falls that defy physics and all other sciences put together. And now here comes Battleship, an alien invasion Transformers-lookalike brainless ‘guy movie’. The twist? It’s based on a board game (that calls to at least some intellectual activity) and director Peter Berg consulted The Science & Entertainment Exchange. Also, Rihanna is in it. Briefly.
Why everyone calls all of the above pictures guy movies is beyond me. Many a (male) critic have written feverishly how female viewers are simply neglected in the modern movie summer scene as if by doing so they are doing us females a favour. The whole notion of a guy or girl movie seems absurd to me (I am checking my watch, yes, it is the 21 Century). What should I be looking forward to as a single 30-year-old artsy type with a kid? Bridget-fucking-Jones? Oh. I know. What To Expect When You Are Expecting! Cuz the last time Jennifer Lopez tried to sell me that type of shit in The Back-Up Plan I nearly walked out. Maybe I simply have a dick somewhere that I haven’t discovered yet. Nevertheless, I will argue till my last breath stupid actioners are not guy movies. They are treadmill movies. Battleship is a perfect example.
In 2005 scientists transmit a message to a planet that resembles Earth from a communication den in Hawaii where NASA nerds look and smell nerdy. In 2012 in a crowded bar Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) listens to a boring lecture by his older brother commander Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard) about the virtues of doing something useful, like getting a job or serving in the Navy. Alex is easily distracted by some serious cleavage and impressive derriere on Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker) who wants a chicken burrito asap (the kitchen is closed) so Alex does the first feat of the movie (breaks into a store, gets electrocuted by the police but manages to deliver the popular Mexican dish to Samantha).
This proves to be enough for the busty chick not only to date Alex but also to push him incessantly into the iron chest of her doting Daddy Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson) and finally bleat out a request for his daughter’s hand in marriage. By this time Alex is already in the Navy but always late, awkward, chewing gum, or wearing an inappropriate piece of clothing – not exactly Navy Admiral daughter marriage material. That’s all about to change when the aliens arrive and Alex kicks some major ass when everyone else sinks in their own adrenaline.