I. Regarding Mel Gibson
By the multiplex doors an old man high on lighter fluid stands screeching at the crowds wandering in for to watch Apocalypto, the new Mel Gibson picture, his lips lost midst the splurge of discombobulating foam done devoured the lower half of his face. His feet stomping in the puddles 'pon the steps, his right fist waving manic round his head, thus he stands roaring and barking and threatening.
"Would you give your green to the Gestapo so quick?" says he, "Would you forgive Adolf half as fast if'n he made a picture show about a man eats a boar's bollocks for to coax you?"
Men and women huddle against each other as they pass him, ducking their heads, raising hands to the sides o' their faces.
"Save us, if'n only they'd had a jungle film at Nuremberg! Thon boyo's would've been free by the afternoon, wouldn't they just?"
Wandering up the steps, I'm slipping my hands into my pockets, lowering my eyes, watching the rain pit-patting off of the concrete. As I'm approaching him, the old fella steps front of me, blocking my path. "You" he says, raising a finger. "What say you, y'craggy-toothed faggot?"
I cautiously raise the mug. A cluster of tiny red and white spots marks the end of his nose, same spots friends of mine used to exhibit round the chops far-side of a fortnight spent scrunching a bag fulla glue to the yaps. His eyes rattle with anger, his shoulders trembling 'neath his brown and yellow pullover.
"I say, what say you? Will you sleep well tonight knowing you done shoved another tenner into thon skitter-faced get's well-bustlin' coin-sack?"
I give a shrug. "I like his films" I say. "I don't have to like him."
"Oh is that right? And so he could say whatever he felt like saying, he could stand up afore the laws of the world and say 'In case you were wondering, the gays killed Muhammad' or 'Incidentally now, I must remark upon the blacks, for they're a sore bunch o' bastards' or 'What if we just set fire to the immigrants, would anybody really miss them?' and so long as he made a film about a man gets whipped and spat on every couple years it'd be dandy-o? Is that the gist of the situation?"
"Well", says I, giving an apologetic twirl of the shoe, "Many's an arsehole's produced a work of wonder afore now. I no more care for Gibson's stupid, twisted banter than I care for that uttered by D.W Griffith or Leni Riefenstahl. But I still think all three have made incredible motion pictures, arseholes or no."
Article comments
1 - Mat Brewster
Whoa, Duke, you've totally blown my mind. You mean you guys still allow smoking in your theatres?!
2 - Phillip Winn
Wow, Duke. This is simply amazing. Perhaps your best yet. I'm awestruck.
Wow.
3 - Duke De Mondo
i just then wrote a grand reply to the pair of you, but didn't my browser cut me off. I'll try to recall it...
Mat - Of the two cinemas dotted about (there were three, but, alas, the man who owned and ran [with his delightful wife] the third recently died), one of them, the one in question, allows for smoking in the hallway. This is odd, becuase of the two, this is by far the biggest, the most corporate, and therefore the one you'd assume would be most likely to ban any such tomfoolery. Now, unofficially, the aforementioned delightful wife who worked in the aforementioned closed cinema would also allow the like, but it was very hush-hush, and if'n the boss-man came a-wandering, it was to be stubbed the hell out. I recall puffing merrily throughout Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.
Phillip - thank you very much, i'm glad you liked it!
It also occured to me that this number, perhaps more than usual, has a vast number of "thons" on display. "thon" is an ulster-scots word meaning, simply, "that". So the phrase "thon is an unlster scots word" could also refer to some OTHER word, and still make loads of sense.
i.e; "thon's the bugger stole my duck, dammit!" or "thon's a right wicked thirst you've on you, Thomas" or "did you perchance see thon fella with the red jacket, for he's owing me forty-seven quid."
4 - duane
Duke, one thing that strikes me in reading this review and the one for United 93, is that you know how to write dialogue, which, in pretending to start writing a novel, I found to be much more difficult than writing narration.
How's the novel coming along?
"Mean, who knows what shit Orson Welles or Pasolini or Lucio Fulci maybe gabbled when pished? ....
This voices my opinion on the matter quite precisely. What should our position be? Boycott those who have been busted for opening their traps, do business with those who have the good sense to keep their mouths shut? Throughout my life, everyone that I have gotten to know pretty well has said something that would best not be repeated in public. That goes for me, too.
Choices:
(1) Selectively boycott providers of products who, based on some careless utterence, might hold positions that you find objectionable.
Fine, but then you assume that the drummer in the jazz band for whose CD you just plopped down $16 does not practice satanic rituals in his basement with the neighborhood kids. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
(2) Selectively boycott providers of products who are known to hold positions that you find objectionable.
Seems workable, though possibly misguided. Should I care whether or not the local expert garage mechanic thinks people of my profession are sponging off taxpayers?
(3) Thoroughly research the backgrounds of providers of products, thus verifying for yourself that they hold no positions nor have performed any actions that you find objectionable.
Rarely, if ever, workable. Imagine trying to ascertain whether or not the designer of the electrical system in your new Toyota has a history of domestic violence, drug violations, drunk driving, racism, etc.
(4) Ignore providers of products entirely regarding matters not related to their work. Pay for the product based on its worth to you as a consumer of the product.
This is workable, maybe a tad irresponsible. But this is my choice.
5 - Mat Brewster
I think I got this new Duke language down. How's this
Thon is the Duke fellating himself in front of christs church
Thon is some nekkid teenage boy and thon is the Duke there with him. What they are doing, I'll never tell.
Duane, you are more than correct in that the Duke is a master of dialog. Search out his review of King Kong disguised as a argument with a leper. Tis brilliant
6 - Jon Sobel
Nice job as usual!
You have KFCs over there? Really sorry to hear it - I apologize on behalf of my country.
Did I detect a reference to my "Mel Call" piece of a few months back? If so, I'm honored. If not, bugger me. (See, I'm getting down with thon lingo of yours.)
P.S. Predator had Schwarzenegger, not Stallone.