In order to strike the right chord for this review, I'm going to have to ask you suspend your disbelief and imagine something with me. Imagine the year is 2164, and the future is a bleak and heartless place. The world has disintegrated into a gray pile of disconnected underground cities, where mutated rats (R.O.U.S) collapse tunnels to trap the helpless human beings who have now become their prey. You have committed a horrible crime, murder or horse theft (you see, horses are now very rare), and worse yet have been convicted of it by the highest order of juries. This order sentences you to some unknown and endless peril; you are consumed with fear as they slowly lead you down one of the longest, darkest tunnels. Finally you come to a large, thick door from which no light or sound can escape. The door opens and a guard, wearing ear muffs and a blindfold, pushes you into an uncomfortable chair, where he chains you to the floor. He straps your head in, and — in Clockwork Orange fashion — pries your eyelids open with a strange, unfamiliar device. As he injects you with an unknown substance, the wall you are facing lights up, and an ancient DVD signal pulses through the screen it has become.
The film you have been sentenced to watch is A Viking Saga : Son of Thor, and it announces itself with opening credits consisting of a series of maps drawn on the back of a White Spot menu in crayon. Soon the action begins with vikings attacking each other in slow motion, and in the choppy manner favored by those with a) no budget and b) no talent. The cameraman is clearly afraid to move the camera for fear of revealing its poor quality, and you watch as we "flash forward" incomprehensibly to the future/past, WHERE EVERY CHARACTER LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME EXCEPT FOR THE PROTAGONIST. Confused, you try to gain your bearings by attempting to decipher what is clearly masquerading as plot.
Is this a film about ancient vikings? Or is it some fusion of (what was) contemporary society with historical events like Titus or Walker, as evidenced by the hoodies and sweat pants several members of the "Vikings" seem to be wearing? You try in vain to dismiss these problems as evidence of a low budget, but you become more and more frightened as the story descends into laughable territory with a young Viking reunited with his long lost lover, who is undeniably an idiot. Suddenly, there appears a grab bag of other cultural figures and ethnicities, making you question your own sanity. Mongols wandering around in the background? You can no longer comprehend what is going on, and so pray for a reprieve.
![Falstaff Chimes At Midnight [Import]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/413CXPMQ5FL._SL120_.jpg)
Article comments
1 - Debi Metcalfe
Just so you know, horse theft in this century is not rare at all. I have spent the last 11 years sy Stolen Horse International, a nonprofit organization, helping theft victims around the world search for their stolen horses. I have spoken to groups large and small about the dangers of theft and how to protect your farm and horses. I hope by the year 2164 you are right, that horse theft will be rare. I rather doubt it though as long as there is a horse auction and a dollar to be made.