According to chubby daytime psychiatrist Dr. Phil, my unholy obsession with prison-based action flicks stems from my birth inside a decaying federal penitentiary somewhere near the Canadian border. My mother apparently hid her pregnancy from the facility's abusive guards for over seven months, choosing to quietly poop me onto the cold hard floor all by herself instead of asking for proper medical assistance. I'm sure your childhood was very similar, so please don't cry for me, Argentina.
If you take into consideration all of the silly information I just dumped into your gi-normous lap, it should come as no surprise that I blindly purchased Art Camacho's silly 2003 action flick 13 Dead Men without knowing anything whatsoever about the quality of the production. So why did I waste my hard-earned cash money on such a lackluster title, you ask? Well, the flick was only a dollar, Lorenzo Lamas was featured prominently on the cover, and the story took place inside a high-security prison. Need I say more? Of course not. You're just being silly again.
Stop it.
13 Dead Men — a title which seemingly references the film's overall body count — tells the familiar tale of one man's struggle within the United States penal system. Imprisoned for stealing five million dollars worth of diamonds and savagely murdering a police officer, master thief Malachi (Ashley Tucker) is forced to spend his days and nights scrapping in the yard and taking his licks from a gaggle of corrupt prison guards. Because he's unwilling to give up the location of his secret stash of illegally procured booty, the prison's sadistic warden is moving up Malachi's scheduled execution in hopes that he'll spill the proverbial beans regarding the whereabouts of this hidden treasure. What's a man to do when faced with such insurmountable odds?
He calls in a favor to his good buddy Lorenzo Lamas, of course!
Armed with a blueprint of the prison and aided by his saucy little girlfriend Jay'me (Shalena Hughes), Malachi's former partners in crime will attempt to free him from this so-called "maximum security prison" without alerting the five or so guards on duty. To sweeten the deal, there's also an appearance by doughy rap icon Mystikal, though his inclusion in the film seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. Why did I mention it? Not sure, really.
Can Lorenzo save his colleague from certain doom before time runs out, or will the secret of the stolen goods die with the only man who can solve the puzzle? If you can hang in there long enough to discover the truth, you might want to consider getting a life sometime soon. This isn't a suggestion so much as an outright demand.
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