The Discovery Channel's Greatest American List has nominated so many suspect candidates it is under investigation for violations of laws set forth by the American List Regulatory Committee.
The ALRC is an independent list watchdog group founded by the demons in my head to penalize any publication, especially cable TV stations, for substandard lists.
"The list has three Roosevelts, but also three Kennedys and four Bushs," ALRC chairman Matthew Topten said in a statement.
Topten, one of the more structured voices in my head, looked at the Top 25, which fittingly included the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Rosa Parks, Neil Armstrong and Henry Ford, but beyond that, the group he refers to as the So-So 75, includes the likes of Richard Nixon, Rush Limbaugh, "Dr. Phil" McGraw and Donald Trump.
With the boom of list shows at the end of the century, the ALRC was founded to control the power and add accountability to such shows, or so the voices in my head tell me.
The first list ever in question was the debut series to "The Greatest" — VH1's list series — in which the 100 Greatest Rock 'n Roll songs were listed in a five-part series. Omissions including Styx's "Come Sail Away" and Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" and the low ranking of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird," not to mention the all time song being the Rolling Stone's "Satisfaction" instead of Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" or anything by the Beatles sparked the formation of the ALRC.
Other lists, including ESPN's "SportsCentury," which chronicled the 100 greatest athletes of the 20th century, ranked Secretariat — a horse — higher than Yankee homo sapien legend Lou Gehrig.
"Secretariat didn't have a disease named after him," the ALRC chairman added. "How can you compare the two? Imagine if Lou had four legs. He would have more stolen bases than Rickey Henderson. Luckiest man my ass."
While the ALRC is not yet recognized as an official regulatory committee, namely because it only exists in the corporeal mind of one blog writer, its top priority is to escape from the demented mind and generate a physiological form, perhaps an abandoned warehouse or a conveniently located Big Boy, because according to Topten, "Nobody really likes to eat there."
When asked if commercial lists should be regulated by the government, Topten said, "Not really. I just don't want to get a real job and I like bitching about things not under my control. And when I hear about a Top 100 list and Dr. Phil is on the list and the list isn't called 'Historical Asshats,' I can't seem to contain my emotions."