Uncle Barnabus was kind enough to send along Charles McGrath’s witty New York Times article, If the Door Creaks, Don’t Go In through the post. Of course, being a netizen from way back when, I did not have the heart to tell him that he really did not need to clip out the actual article and mail it. Using sharp scissors can be very therapeutic, though. Nothing like a good sharp blade snipping, ripping, and tearing through something to get the blood going in the morning, I always say. A quick web search brought up the article so that we can all share in its life-saving tips garnered from the current spate of snuff horror diversions packing us all into the nearest megagoogaplex cinema.
Of course, these tips would seem to be mere common sense, but these days, you never can tell. The more paranoid you are, the safer you are: that is my motto. Anyone who takes a dirt road detour, leaving the safety of good solid pavement beneath their wheels, well, what more can be said? Especially when that person listens to a toothless, unwashed, gas station attendant hiding Gucci bags filled with swag and expensive electronics in his unkempt excuse for living quarters.
While Mr. McGrath uses these life-saving tips to start a riff on the extreme graphic violence prevalent in the most recent depictions of human depravity on screen, courtesy of Lionsgate Films, he does make other important observations which are not that important to discuss here. You will just have to read his article.
Instead, let’s look a little deeper into those life-saving tips, shall we? A quick search on the web brings up a plethora of helpful advice for the savvy individual that wants to keep his or her body parts. The Horror Movie Character Survival Tips covers most of the basics, including not looking under beds, no going into the basement when the power cuts out, and be very wary of transvestite doctors that sing and look like Tim Curry.
It is important to know the strengths and weaknesses of your potential killer, sadistic torturer, alien parasite, mutated freak and mobile flesh-eating dead, so perhaps a studious reading of The Horror Movie Survival Guide and A Field Guide to Monsters would help increase your odds of survival. A good psychology book would also be beneficial, since in most of today’s horror movies you are dealing with clever psychopaths and anti-social types.
Article comments
1 - DrPat
You forgot: Dye your hair brunette, ladies. The blonde always survives.
(Except when she doesn't.)
2 - Iloz Zoc
DAmn, there's always one I miss!