Howie Long Only Pawn in Game of Truck Wars

Let me re-tell two commercials, if I may:

Commercial #1: Hall of Fame Raiders linebacker and noted flathead Howie Long witnesses an unnamed individual in the bed of a pickup truck.  Said individual pulls down an extra step from the edge and gingerly climbs down to the ground as if to say "I'm on my period." The alpha male football player helps out his lesser equal by pointing out that he forgot to put his "little, uh, man step" back in its place. Consequently, the socially awkward and probably gay truck driver is put in his place. Howie Long shakes his head and walks back to his Chevrolet Silverado.

Commercial #2: In another separate incident, a man accidentally backs up into Long's truck.  Long gets out, approaches the star struck driver, and notices the man's heated steering wheel. (They are easily distinguishable from unheated sheering wheels, because they are covered in glitter and unicorns.) Mr. Long then asks the man if he has a manicure. If the fender bender wasn't enough humiliation, having hands warmed by modern technology with trimmed cuticles is a real societal death knell. Long victoriously struts back to his Silverado, desperately careful not to trip over his own testicles.

(Side note: When Howie Long appears on FOX NFL Sunday, he wears eyeglasses, but he took them off for the commercial since eyeglasses were popularized by Elton John.)

First of all, brilliant move on Chevrolet's part. If your competitor's cars have features, just make fun of the people who buy those cars. It worked in fourth grade (remember who won the great Trapper Keeper War Of '92), and it still works today. I highly anticipate Chevy's next spokesperson, Vince Offer.

But in a larger perspective, these two truck commercials, among others for Ford, Dodge, and Toyota, have been airing almost on a loop during broadcasts of the NFL playoff games. DC Examiner's Rick Snider put it spiffily when he wrote, "All I know after watching 12 hours of football over the weekend is I want to drive a truck that earns Howie Long’s respect." (When one 9-win team is guaranteed to reach the Super Bowl, sometimes truck commercials are the only bridge we have to solid ground.) In fact, there have been a ton of truck commercials on TV this year, so many in fact that I'm sure one truck company will boast that their model has enough towing capacity to haul them all from 0 to 60 in eight seconds.

Article Author: Matthew T. Sussman

Sussman is the founder and former editor of Blogcritics Sports. Twitter: @suss2hyphens

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