Statistics bear out her optimism. The majority of divorces in Canada are completed outside the court system, and the collaborative divorce movement is quickly gaining ground. In that process, all parties sign a contract not to go to court, and the lawyers break all stereotypes of their profession.
"The lawyers actually facilitate goodwill," Palmer said, and what she captures on film is remarkably civilized, even as tears are shed and tensions flare. "In the old school way, it was extremely adversarial, a fight to the death, to make the other partner look as bad as possible. These people don't behave that way."
"People are starting to wonder, do we have to do this to our kids anymore? I do think where there's any opportunity at any step in the process to minimize conflict, your kids are going to be better off."
For me, the most surprising statistic Palmer offers is that only five percent of parents talk to their children about an impending divorce, which tends to increase their confusion and anxiety.
"We were weenies about it," said Palmer of how she and her ex-husband told their children. "We did it over a period of two to three months, first telling them we were trying out a separation even though we knew we weren't getting back together. We didn't want the other shoe to drop."
To help facilitate that difficult discussion, she's included a psychologist's template for talking to children about divorce on the documentary's website, which contains many other resources for "good" divorces.
The most important piece of advice Palmer believes came out of the documentary is that parents must do everything possible to keep negative feelings about an ex-spouse from touching their children.
"If you are dealing with personal anger and bitterness that you allow into your daily interactions with your children – if you are in any way using your kids as a conduit to get back at your ex or for dealing with day to day stuff because you don't want to deal with that person – you need to be in counselling. You need to deal with your stuff. Even if the other spouse isn't willing or able, it's not about them, it's about your own behaviour."
How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids airs Thursday, January 8 at 9 pm on CBC's Doc Zone, and repeats Saturday, January 10 at 10 pm on CBC Newsworld.
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Article comments
1 - Antoniofww
This is a great blog. Here is more information on how to not hurt your child while getting a divorce.
2 - Debbie M
I own a paralegal company in Tucson, AZ that primarily deals with amicable divorces. It is sooooo important to do your utmost best to keep things as civilized as possible in from of the children. I'm realizing that as a professional I definitely have influence in how the proceedings go...
Thanks for the great post.