I must preface my remarks with a confession:
I didn't watch the Superbowl on Sunday. I missed out on the only shared cultural moment left in our society because I WAS READING A BOOK. That's my frumpy form of protest, my titillating flirt with an obscure, archaic underground movement known as 'Using Your Brain'. Sorry.
But alas, like everything else in this ubiquitous nightmare loosely called "civilization", it was IMPOSSIBLE to miss the "Super" experience. It began weeks ago and steamrolled toward Sunday like a fat offensive lineman on crack & steroids. (And it was about as rational.)
And like crack, steroids, and the rich obese, IT WAS EVERYWHERE IN AMERICA. You could avert your eyes and still hear, "Who do you think will win the game?" You could gouge out your ears with knitting needles and still see beer and potato chip ads spelled out in the clouds overhead.
And Sunday night, JUST when you thought it was over, IT WASN'T OVER. No, now comes the analysis of the commercials. Did Bud score a touchdown? Did Levitra get it up? Why is that has-been talkin' about his limp dick with glowing pride?
Yes, thanks to garrulous morons, talkative strangers, conversation-starved relatives, and EVERY MEDIA OUTLET known to humankind, I heard about the superbowl, the commercials, and...
THE TIT. And unless you've been in hiding with Dick Cheney, you know about the tit too.
Janet Jackson, from whose family we've come to expect only the highest ethical and moral standards!) shocked the world by letting that little MONKEY-FACED BOY rip her bodice on national TV, thereby exposing a very expensive (and apparently pornographic) lump of Silicone-inflated flesh.
And millions of Americans, hypocrites that we are, were MORTIFIED! How offensive!
(Apparently, no one thought a beer commercial with a gigantic farting horse was offensive. No one thought a has-been football coach talking about his LIMP DICK'S PHARMACEUTICAL RISE TO GLORY while throwing a football through a tire (look out, Ingmar Bergman!) was offensive. Nope, that's just marketing. Information. An informed consumer, yep, that's all it is.)
And what did CBS, NFL, FCC, and the Bush Administration have to say about that OFFENSIVE titty?
"WE'RE GOING TO OPEN AN INVESTIGATION."
Sadly, no one thought lying to the American public in order to start a war was offensive enough to launch an investigation.
And what does this all mean? As you know, ol' Shark is glad to tell ya:
We've known for a long time that the BARBARIANS are not only AT the gate, but they're the main demographic that drives ALL culture and entertainment in America. So what's SURPRISING about a SuperBowl extravaganza filled with farting horses and floppy fake tits?