• The Self Image Film [If Mirrors Could Speak] (1976) - This one is scary. Made in the hip, mod, and racially-diverse world of the ‘70s, this short is hosted and narrated by a young black lad who relates the stories of several classmates with personality problems. One kid (who is Asian) is shy, while the other two are obnoxious as all hell. To further illustrate how being shy or obnoxious is bad, these kids are presented in clown makeup. A magic talking mirror (well, a plain ol’ wall mirror) gives the children a chance to reflect upon themselves (heh, get it?). As always with these racially-diverse ‘70s flicks, there are no Hispanic or Middle Eastern kids.
• How Much Affection? (1957) tries to tell us that it’s possible to have a more successful relationship without making the sex. A young middle-aged teenager is worried about what almost happened in the car with her boyfriend, so her kind and understanding mother comforts her with an upsetting close-up. Obviously, the producers of this short were impotent, Lutheran, and the only ones to ever swallow Bush’s “Abstinence Only” spiel.
• Overcoming Fear (1950) - It’s not easy, but we all have to do it. The “fear” in question here is one lad’s horror over being in the water. He wants to be a champion swimmer. Alas, he cannot swim. Thankfully, the school’s swimming instructor will help him overcome that fear — by relaying the story of his sister’s terror of dogs!
• Your Chance To Live: Technological Failures (1970s) - Voiceover artist extraordinaire Peter Thomas is your creepy host into a look at how technology isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. At least, I think that’s the message of this meandering short — it never really makes its point known to us. Instead, it offers a lot of archive footage of “early American pioneers” (ahem), interlaced with footage of Thomas — who is referred to by the Rifftrax crew as Stan Moff Tarkin and the rotting corpse of Peter Weller.
• Kitty Cleans Up (1949) is a no-budget personal hygiene effort wherein a little girl gets ready for the big pet show at school. The obsessive-compulsive weirdo make doubly sure that she’s good and clean for the day, and makes triply sure that her irritated cat, Kitty, is even cleaner. Being one that has a cat (a grumpy one at that), I can tell you by the various looks on Kitty’s face that she was not a happy camper.
.jpg?t=20130517094513)
Article comments