Chapter Three: The Revenge of the Shudderites
Things are looking grim for our heroes at the mansion. While IL tries valiantly to post another review, the forces of evil are gathering. Steve Brown, Zombos and Chef Machiavelli are desperately trying to hold off the Shudderites and their vile, but playful pets at the pantry door. But can they be stopped? Will Chef Machiavelli ever be able to prepare the evening meal again, or will Zombos be shaked and baked instead? Looks like another takeout night at the mansion, and no one is buying. At least, no one human!
"Mr. Zoc! Mr. Zoc!" cried Glenor Glenda the maid, running down the hall from the pantry.
"I'm rather busy blogging," I told her.
"But you must come at once! Mr. Zombos is taken by those nasty creatures, and Steve Brown is lying unconscious by the pantry door."
"Where's Chef Machiavelli?" I yelled back.
"I don't know. Missing!"
Great, I thought, definitely a takeout night. Must I do everything around here? I am, after all, only the valet. I pushed aside my laptop. The Hills Have Eyes uncut version DVD review would have to wait until I attended to this annoying 8th Dimension incursion into the mansion. As I hustled down the hall, I stopped briefly to pick up a nice Narsil-looking sword and hefty battle-axe from one of the medieval suits of armour that line the east hallway leading to the kitchen.
I found Steve Brown lying unconscious on the kitchen floor. "Fetch some Scotch whiskey, if you please," I told Glenor. "Make it snappy."She quickly returned with a bottle. "Have you no sense of decency, woman?" I told her, after seeing she brought the wrong bottle. "Not the vatted malt! Bring back the Royal Brackla. The man is unconscious you know. I mean really."
She returned with the correct bottle this time. I poured some into a glass and took a gulp. It was going to be a long night. I then poured another glassful and lifted Steve Brown's head to pour a bit of the liquid through his lips. He awoke with a cough and a request for more. Good man.
"The bastards swarmed all over us," he said, in-between sips. "Kept calling Zombos your name. They wouldn't believe him when he said he wasn't you. Boy are they pissed. What've you been writing in those blogs of yours?" he asked, standing on his feet again.
Article comments
1 - Steve C.
"It is Rochester." HA!
For what it's worth, I thought the political dimension was the film's most fascinating aspect -- it turned another stock-issue meat movie into a weird semi-comedy. The 'flag' scene is my favorite of any movie thus far this year.
Any idea what the difference between the theatrical and unrated cuts are?
2 - Iloz Zoc
Viewing the unrated version, I couldn't really see anything that stood out as "oh my god, that wasn't in the rated version." One review I read said about three minutes are added, but aside from perhaps more intensity and insanity in the trailer attack scene, I didn't see any notable difference between rated and unrated versions. The extras are killer though. I wish every notable horror film came with extras like these.
And yes, the political overtone was pretty funny and well integrated into the storyline.
3 - Aaron Fleming
Excellent! This is my favourite review on yours so far on Blogcritics, very good! Keep it up!
As for the film, oh yeah, brilliant, probably my favourite film released this year. Atmosphere, gore, relentless intensity, it has everything! Far better than the shoddy original (for once).
4 - gonzo marx
fucking hilarious!!!
/golfclap
one of the finest Reviews i've ever read
i have not seen this remake yet, since i was such a devotee of the original film, and consider it as possibly the Birth of the modern "slasher" flick
but with such Insight as has been typed here, i guess i'll be buying a DVD soon...
well, as soon as i finish clearing these zombies out from between the Round House and my car...
now, where did i leave the katana?
Excelsior?
5 - Iloz Zoc
Thanks Aaron and Gonzo, coming from you guys, that's an ego booster for sure. The only thing I didn't like about the film was that 'not done yet' ending. After all those people went through, I wanted them to have their moment of victory last, not ruined by a common sequelization-antic.
After seeing this film, I definitely am not taking any scenic routes in the desert, that's for sure. No way.
6 - Duke De Mondo
i must add my voice to the chorus of well-deserved praise for this screed, good sir. marvellous stuff.
i love the original, and am altogether suspisious of any tinkerings with such marvels for no reason other than we can make it look all shiny and have scarier make up an such, but there's no doubt this new fangled variant is an exceptional flick, regardless of the wonders of Craven's grot-fest.
As i suspected, Aja shines like an arsefulla crystal when wrappin that demented mind o' his round something like this, stark and raw and economical. the highly embaressing Haute Tension, whilst a trial to sit through following the wonderful opening twenty minutes, hinted at the kinda wonders he'd be capable of, when he'd gotten that terribly adolescent desire to twist and "suprise" and unsettle via a series of spectacularly stupid plot gyrations out his system. i look forward to his next sickeningly glorious exploits with much breath a-baited. and to your next screed, also, good sir.
7 - RJ Elliott
Hey, I used to live in Rochester! :)
8 - RJ Elliott
So, in the unrated version, does it actually show the teenage girl getting raped (and possibly impregnated) by the mutant?
9 - Iloz Zoc
Hey Duke, thanks for the kind words!
10 - Iloz Zoc
RJ,
First, about living in Rochester: are you bragging or complaining?
Second, the scene appeared to me to be the same in both versions. My memory is hazy on this point, though, when Lizard attacks the older girl as she runs into the trailer. I don't remember him sticking his ugly mouth on her bosom and going to town in the rated version. Anyone remember if he did this in the rated version?
11 - Chindi
Excellent review! I actually snorted tea out of my snout. The Flick Filosopher has some competition now. I had just seen the film shortly before reading your review. I had the same thoughts you did regarding the political overtones and the tired use of gore. Nice character development with the son-in-law, though, but I had hoped, given that the film is a remake and with good use of poetic (ha!) license, that the mother would last longer. I was looking forward to seeing her shed the "turn the other cheek" aspect her faith for "an eye for an eye", blow 'em all to hell attitude. It's always more amusing when it's a woman going that route.
There were a few moments in the film where my adrenaline kicked, but those were few and far between. Those were the scenes where the shadowy form would flit by the camera when you would least expect it. I prefer those moments to a splat-fest (remember the chilling voice on the tape recorder in "The Changeling"?â€"I shed fur nervously for two days after that). The father firing wildly into the darkness was a great commentary on the fact that no matter how "cocksure" anyone is, we're all scared of voices in the dark (unless you are one of those voices). To be fair, this film was less drippy than others I could name.
As you say, with a DVD, it's all about the extras and I suspect that I will be ordering my copy from Amazon today. Well done. Well done, indeed.
12 - Iloz Zoc
Thanks Chindi! I love the Flick Chick! And I definitely like a female character delivering a truckload of whoopass on an evil doer. Yes, definitely. Makes for great mommadrama, as I like to call it.
13 - RJ Elliott
"First, about living in Rochester: are you bragging or complaining?"
Bragging, I suppose... :-/ It's not a bad place...or at least it wasn't in the 1980s...
14 - MCH
"So, in the unrated version, does it actually show the teenage girl getting raped (and possibly impregnated) by the mutant?"
- RJ Elliott
I figured you'd want to watch that...
15 - RJ Elliott
That's actually a scene that was left somewhat ambiguous in the theatrical release, and has been a point of much discussion among fans of this film...that's why I asked...
16 - COMPLETELY DISAPPOINTED
WITHOUT A DOUBT THE ABSOLUTE WORST MOST DISAPPOINTING PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN!
THE DIRECTOR SHOULD BE SHOT! WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT!