Let me preface this entire review by stating, emphatically, that despite the cartoon nature of the movie discussed herein, this is not a children’s movie. It’s not even a child appropriate review. Seriously, it’s entirely possible that you shouldn’t contemplate reading the review with a child anywhere in the vicinity. But now, on with the show…
I’ll tell you truly, I don’t know why Once Upon A Girl... exists, I just don’t. In short, and without beating around the bush, if you want to read no further, the movie is animated porn. Short and sweet.
So before I get into the long and the short of it, a plot summary:
The film starts out as live-action fare, with Mother Goose having been arrested for telling naughty stories. The film opens at the start of her trial. She explains to the judge, jury, and pretty much everyone that will listen that she is the one true Mother Goose and she goes on to explain that she was arrested because she was telling naughty, but true stories. It seems as though the Mother Goose tales that we’ve all come to know and love are the sanitized versions that she was forced to tell back in the day so as to not get in trouble. She feels as though the old versions were wholly chauvinistic and that the new, naughty versions are not. She then goes on to tell some of these naughty versions.
First up is Jack and the Beanstalk. Jack, you see, has a breast fetish and has quite the ability to suck. After watching some lass self-stimulate for a while, he goes back home and begins to suck on the family’s cow’s teats. Having been told not to do this before, Jack’s mother becomes fed up with him upon catching him again, and forces him to sell the cow. Jack happens upon a gypsy that offers to buy the cow in exchange for allowing Jack to suck on his gypsy wench’s massive breasts. Jack does this, becomes incredibly aroused and has sex with her. The gypsy advises him that his penis is far too large for the average woman and that he’ll kill any woman he ends up marrying. Jack, upon achieving his orgasm, is repentant for selling the cow so cheaply and the gypsies throw in some magic beans.
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