There are very few moving pictures that are capable of capturing the very grandeur of “death by flare.” Dead Calm aside, the only other movie that I can think of off-hand that features such an elaborate style of execution would be the British thriller Donkey Punch — a film that features a lot of punch but really cheats us when it comes to donkeys.
The story: three bimbos (Bimbo #1, Bimbo #2, and Bimbo #3) depart from their native Leeds to holiday in Spain. There, whilst looking for a good time involving copious amounts of alcohol and wanton sex with handsome strangers, they meet up with four douchebags (Douchebag #1, Douchebag #2, Douchebag #3, and the aptly named Douchebag #4) who serve on a very large luxury yacht. Smelling some illicit nookie is not far from their grasp, the Douchebag clan invite the Bimbo squad onto the yacht and set sail for the Mediterranean seas — and it isn’t long before Douchebag #3 (or was it Douchebag #2? I keep getting these fellows mixed up) is passing out the “E” and it’s off to the Captain’s Quarters for a five-way romp in the king-sized bed. Unfortunately, Douchebag #4 attempts to try the titular sexual maneuver on Bimbo #2 (wherein one allegedly knocks the partner in the back of the neck to “tighten” the vaginal muscles — hey, that’s what the film says — I’m content with plain ol’ doggy style myself) and kills her. Whoops.
Well, being douchebags, the Douchebags decide to dump the body overboard and tell the Coast Guard that the Bimbo fell off the boat. The other Bimbos aren’t very pleased with this executive decision however, and before you can say “Where’s the remote?” Douchebags and Bimbos are dropping like flies (cue the “death by flare” scene — plus an odd “suicide by simply falling into the water” bit) as the tensions mount and killer instincts emerge. That’s about it, really: Dead Calm 2: Calm Harder — only it’s not that fab-a-roo of a flick. I will give the movie this, though — it’s British-made, which means it stars British actors, so the acting is at least ten times better than it is in any of the twenty-something other American-made films with similar plotlines.
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