This series is a form of creative writing known as fan fiction. Detective Robert Goren is a regular character on the Dick Wolf television show Law & Order: Criminal Intent. What follows is one longtime viewer's breath of life into an already popular character.
Did you ever allow someone to get to know you, the real you, only to realize that it was a colossal mistake? Did you ever start to piece together a friendship built completely on trust and honesty only to discover that it was a sham from the get go, unbeknownst to you? Have you ever trusted someone with absolutely everything only to find yourself betrayed to the core?
So here I sit, wondering how this has happened. How could I have let anyone get close enough to hurt me this much? Especially when I thought I've been more guarded than ever before. I've been screwed with so much in the last year that I was sure, I knew that my instincts could not, would not fail me now. Don't you see? I'm supposed to be smarter now. I've been through so much crap, so many mind games that I'm supposed to see a game 10,000 feet away. No one could screw with my brain now — or so I thought.
Instead my mind has been messed with for months. This is by someone that I grew to trust while dealing with everyday life. Someone who encouraged me to let my emotions go. They "needed to come out". Eventually I knew, absolutely knew it was safe. Anything, any emotion was safe. I could be real and it was okay. I didn't need to keep the typical walls up. I could answer the phone and breathe a sigh of relief when I heard a particular voice because I didn't need to fake my way through another conversation. I could just be however I really was and it was okay. Not only was it okay, but I was always left feeling better, stronger and very fortunate to have such a good person listening. Such a kind, gracious person that I would have done absolutely anything for.
What a gullible asshole I am. I'm sick thinking about it.
Trust. Faith in anyone. Both of these are shot. I trust no one, nor do I care to. It has only led to my deep freeze of late. I used to put others first but obviously that has been a mistake. Just a week ago I told this person that I never questioned what they told me and that I always believed that they were honest with me. Always. "Trusted beyond compare" I think was my exact phrasing. Good God, I'm better off alone. I've been in avoid people mode most of my life and it really is turning out to be better that way. Maybe superficiality is underrated. Maybe it does have its high points.