This series is a form of creative writing known as fan fiction. Detective Robert Goren is a regular character on the Dick Wolf television show, Law & Order: Criminal Intent. What follows is one longtime viewer's breath of life into an already popular character.
I think that I've relearned something important in the last week. I know you can work through something and think you're fine only to have it come back and grab you all over again. The pain feels as fresh as it did the first time around and you end up feeling like healing is a one step forward, two steps back process. Always moving but never actually making progress.
Part of my problem is that I think things should just feel better, go away eventually, whatever. I know that it doesn't happen that way but a part of me still wishes it could. This week especially it has really sunk in that my expectations are a bit silly. If life is a continual journey and we are always changing (as is everyone else), then how could anything ever be fully resolved? I mean maybe it is today, but if emotions are triggered and situations shift tomorrow, will it still feel resolved? Should it? Probably not. You can only heal so much at one time until things change and then maybe you need to heal a bit more.
Maybe it's not supposed to feel as frustrating as it has for me this week. It's just part of life, part of the endless circle or journey.
Nicole will haunt me for the rest of my life, that much I've already accepted. It doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing, or who I may be with. She's going to come back a zillion times over. The connection between her and my mother is that neither of them were able to protect their kids. I believe both wanted to, but ultimately it was impossible. I don't know exactly what happened with Nicole, but my mom, she was too focused on trying to stay focused. She had to put so much energy into trying to keep things together that situations right in front of her were often unnoticed.
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