I thought you liked me. I really did. I was even going to invite you to my birthday party. But what happened? When did it all change? What went wrong between us?
Was it your new, thrilling focus on interviewing celebrities? It's lucky you do it, because we can’t see that kind of thing anywhere else. Plus lots of those people don’t get enough exposure. Like Tom Cruise. And Ashton Kutcher. Was it when you got Nate to do home makeovers for Jerry O’Connell? Kirstie Alley? Other poor, deserving stars? I'll admit, they did need your help. Where else could they find an interior decorator? Where? Where!?
Did it start with the weight loss? The moment you got that gleam in your eye, the smug little look that announced “I did it! And you didn’t!” Or perhaps it had more to do with your healthy self-interest. Though I counted up, and on the home page of your website today, you only used your own name 28 times. 28?! Why so shy? Come on – promote yourself! Better yet – give away vehicles, and promote car companies! They need our help too, just like Kirstie Alley!
Was it when you started swaying and singing along to the numbers by musical guests? That scared me a little. Or the way you began to play to the cameras, latching onto things that your audience laughed at and then repeating them? Because if once is amusing, logic only dictates that four or five times will be hilarious! Sometimes you do this right over the replies of your guests, like an interrupting kid performing for the grown-ups. It's a shame, because then we can't focus on what Mariah Carey has to say.
Maybe it was your "Women around the World" episode? Come see what freaky crap the chicks in other countries do! You won’t believe how unlike us they are! Even better, once they were on the show, you mimicked their accents. Oh that was funny! You totally nailed the weird way some of them talked! Then you concluded by telling us that Americans lived in the best, most advanced, most freedom-loving, pro-woman country in the world. Which must suck a little for all those American women who’d really like health care coverage and paid maternity leave.