Dear Craig,
Oh, my dear frisky little pony, how I love our evenings together. Tonight was perfect. After a somewhat surreal day, I turned to you. You gave your all and scored big time.
Monologue: You got Galaga! I'm so jealous. You have no idea how much I love that game. It was the only game I played back in the day. Later, when I was tending bar in a little neighborhood pub in a Denver suburb (yeah, I've been around, what of it?), after the bar closed, I'd sit, have a drink with my coworkers and one or two favored customers. We'd gather around our beloved "vintage" Galaga machine. I got so good, I could hit a cool mil on my first ship. And that was without resorting to any of the cheats. Give me an afternoon and I'll have you beating the pants off your friend. If you're into that sort of thing, that is. Seriously, I could turn you into a major Galaga competitor.
It's a shame that anyone would dare to give you a bad time about your new essential dining room accessory. It's not a sign of a midlife crisis or Juveniling. No, it's a sign that you know what's fun! While it may be a bit addicting, it's relatively harmless — up until the carpal tunnel sets in. No Galagosis for you. That's why you need balance. Or a girlfriend. A girlfriend who would bogart that machine. Not that I have anyone in mind or anything. (Don't mind me. I'll just be here in the corner, whistling, and digging my toe in the dirt.)
While we're on the subject of your monologue, may I offer some advice? You told the world that you had been squirreling away your nuts. That might be something you want to keep to yourself. PETA doesn't like that sort of animal interaction. And, you really need to be careful with that Chuck E. Cheese place. There's no need to have a tantrum. If you need to borrow a kid to go there, I have one I could loan you. It's a package deal, though. Where he goes, I go. But this would be a good thing. I know the magic words to keep him from singing your theme song repeatedly.
Confession time. My son has begun to take on a Scottish accent. He watches (some of) your monologues online. And I have to play your theme over and over and over again. I'm rather happy about this development, strange as it may seem. You see, when he was your son's age, he wanted to be the Crocodile Hunter. He had the accent down pat. Given the choice, I'd rather he figuratively die onstage, midjoke, than literally die in the jaws of some reptilian giant. Call me "Mommy", I worry. Hmm, would you consider calling me "Mommy"? Listen, I don't care if you can still get into your graduation wig or not. I just want to see what's under the robe. Too far, Joan. Too far.
Article comments
1 - mel
girl,you need to let this shit go. he thinks you're a psycho by now. forget him and focus on your son, scottish accent joke NOT funny . c fergusen is dating sharaon f ing stone. that IS where HE is coming from .
- a friend
2 - Joanie
Mel, you take this way too seriously.
3 - mel
i'm not the one spending time writing to this man , way too seriously
let it go
4 - Joanie
I'm typing this slowly because I know you can't read fast, Mel. Reality check! I don't write real letters to Craig Ferguson.
You need to learn to separate the jokes from the review parts of this piece.
If you don't get the humor, fine. But don't take everything you read so literally.
5 - Lauren
Joan,
I've been enjoying your comments on the captivating Mr. Ferguson. It's too bad that not everyone understands your humor.
-Lauren
6 - Cerulean
I've gotten those kinds of comments too on some stuff, a lot quicker (something about me?). Keep on being yourself, as long as it's legal.
7 - Heather
Joan, you rock!
Life's too short to be so serious (mean, too?). Keep writing the Late Late Show Diaries - they're a nice break from homework and make me laugh!
8 - Joanie
Y'all are awesome! Thank you!
9 - Verity Davis
Oh Lordy! Sharon Stone?
Yes, she is attractive, lively, and intelligen, but I think the romance will be simply a Roman Candle.
I have a feeling she is a high-maintenance affair.
She has not been able to maintain any sort of a long relationship (three very short marriages) and has health issues which include diabetes, asthma, and an allergy to caffine; so don't expect her to cuddle with the dogs, eat fried Mars Bars, or join in a cup of tea!
I hope he has fun while it lasts!
Verity
10 - Dottie
Someone is either blind or dosent care at all. this guy makes my night I can have and do a few miserable days and he really puts a smile on my face. and that courtship with Sharon Stone, is the first I learned of this and can really say that is a great couple if It is true. She is a doll and so pretty and he is handsome and they both are so cute and witty why not???????? jealous ....?? go for it you two..great by me..........
11 - melodymaestra
holy that was SCARY