Heretofore unknown top-secret government agency, code named "Hombres en Negro," revealed today that all horror and sci-fi films are either documentaries or "darned accurate recreations," according to a spokesman identified only as "L."
"In keeping with the current administration's open-book policy," he declared to gasps from the crowd of assembled reporters, "we have decided to reveal that all horror and sci-fi films ever made are real. Your zombies, flesh-eating aliens seeking world domination, malevolent spirits, blood-sucking vampires, mutant woodland creatures, Freddy, Jason, invisible men, head-boring flying orbs - real, all too, too real," he sighed.
"We've had our hands full since that Dr. Caligari and his damned cabinet in 1919," he huffed.
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? Even Van Helsing??," shouted incredulous scribes.
"Even Van Helsing, I'm afraid, with those gooey vampire spawn pods dripping all over the damn place - that was one mighty mess to clean up, I can assure you!"
"The X-Files?"
"The movie, not the series," L chuckled.
War of the Worlds?"
"Of course - the 'simulated' report was true, true, truesky! Thank God (he's real too, by the way, and Satan) for our bacteria! Those Martian bastards never knew what him 'em!
"Hey, look at the time - gotta go help Spielberg finish up the new one!"
Their world-views shattered, stunned members of the press stared blankly off into the distance.
Article comments
1 - Phillip Winn
"the movie, not the series" -- very nice touch. :-)
2 - Eric Olsen
thanks!
3 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
i knew it! i knew those tomatoes were real! Mind you, i still have my doubts about George Clooney.
4 - Eric Olsen
Tomatoes and George Clooney are the least of our concerns!
5 - DrPat
Listen, lemme tell you - doesn't matter what that "L" tells you~~~~~ They
LIVE!
I know Phillip will dismiss this out of hand, and "FBI plant" Nalle will be here in a minute~~~~ so get
your glasses and vinegar spray ready, boys..
6 - Eric Olsen
thanks Tristan
7 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
i just hope it turns out that Elastigirl from The Incredibles is real also.
8 - Eric Olsen
only if you stretch the truth
9 - Phillip Winn
I'm skeptical about many things, but I do believe in killer tomatoes. After all, that guy with the parachute survived the ordeal and later became the the governor of California. Or was it the mayor of San Diego? Some thankless political job, anyway.
10 - Eric Olsen
haven't even mentioned about when the Killer Tomatoes met the Killer Klowns
11 - Temple Stark
In a strange twist, Will Smith tried to warn everyone of this back in 1994 with "Nightmare On My Street.' If you'd listened then. ...
Now I have a story that I'd like to tell
About this guy you all know he had me scared as hell
He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
He's burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred
He wears the same hat and sweater every single day
And even if it's hot outside he wears it anyway
He's home when I'm awake but he shows up when I sleep
I can't believe that there's a nightmare on my street
...
12 - Eric Olsen
more bizarre still given who Smith was to become!!
13 - Temple Stark
THAT'S what I'm saying - downright freaky. When it comes to monster knowledge, kids ARE smarter than adults. They know. Just ask 'em.